Sad Fucking World . Com

Teen anti-pregnancy tips. A little more than just your plain “close your legs”.

Thu, 8 Jul 2010 14:01:53 -0400

For some weird fucking reason, I was bombarded with a bunch of teen anti-pregnancy propaganda while about to catch the train to go to work today.

The tips they are giving these promiscuous horny sluts are ( in my opinion ) not the most effective. Most of them deal with some sort of psychological mind game along the lines of "Ask yourself if this is the person you love" or "Is he meaningful enough to share an intimate moment with". Yeah, that's as effective as using Q-tips during a diarrhea attack.

We cannot blame teenagers from wanting to fuck. Their hormones are flaring like a pack of hemorrhoids in the middle of a sweaty summer heat wave.
Teenagers will fuck and we won't be able to stop them from fucking. Period. The media doesn't help either, manipulating their content and advertisements filling them with sex and innuendoes to get these kids to buy shit they don't need.

So I thought about doing a simple list of teen anti-pregnancy tips without all the politically correct bullshit these non-profit community service organizations have to go through to get some message across. Let's be fucking honest here and straight forward tell it like it fucking is. Period. No bullshit.

Open your fucking eyes assholes and read thoroughly.
Yes, I'm talking to you female "Teens" ( and the rest of you other promiscuous female adults ). The next tips will save you time, money and problems arising from not being responsible with your own body.

Tip # 1: First, the obvious ones. Use condoms + birth control.
Carry fucking condoms with you, everywhere. Even when you go to fucking church. Yeah, YOU should carry the condoms. Don't you EVER count on a guy carrying those shits because guys don't like to use condoms.

Sure, they are very uncomfortable, but they will save you from getting STDS and also they will not allow sperm to get inside your vag. Hopefully you know what happens when sperm gets inside that vag BTW, otherwise you need to close this fucking page and talk right away to your legal guardians. Tell them to explain to you "how you came to this world". ALSO: If you are able to video tape that talk would be awesome. Put that shit up in Youtube.

Now, if you don't want to use condoms, be aware you are opening the window to STDs. Some nasty ones too. Like these ones right here:

( Yes, they sell them )

Besides that, birth control is another reasonable choice. However, I recommend to start taking birth control once you have a steady companion and you know he will be the only one with access to your insides.
Birth control isn’t gonna save you from AIDS or some other serious STDs which kill you, so don’t laugh it off. This is some serious bullshit. You can fucking die from this shit, so wake the fuck up sweetheart.

Tip # 2: Don't feel pressured to fuck.
Guys have 2 things in their mind all the time. Eating and fucking. That's it. We want to be full and we want to get laid, besides that, everything else is secondary. Power, money, status, fame.... all those things are just tools to put food on our plates and put a fine piece of ass on our beds.

Whoever your "date" , "man", "squeeze", "BF", "vampire" ( twilight ) whatever the fuck you call it these days... whoever he is.... , sooner or later he will insinuate he wants to be "a little more serious" with you. When a guy tells you he "wants to get serious with you" it basically means he wants 2 things: Foreplay and Intercourse.

Most people in this world are not ready to have sex at all during their teenage years. Their urges to get laid usually are not quite developed to the point of having actual intercourse. Teens feel "afraid" to cross that line simply because as humans we fear the unknown.

A teen can be completely informed about how to fuck, when to fuck, even techniques on how to be sexually stimulating, but when the time comes to do it... there might be a certain intimidation which leads to embarrassment and even disappointment in oneself. This is completely normal. You are not being a "pussy" by admitting you "couldn't do it". ( Just don’t tell that shit to anyone unless you want to be called a “pussy” though )

If you are not comfortable opening up your legs to a guy who is being too pushy to get into your puss, just let him know you are "not ready". If this guy starts a shitfit about it, then he is being a complete asshole.... but that might be just his hormones talking also. There’s 3 ways to get out of this fucked up situation, read carefully:

A - Become a blow job/hand job queen: If you want to keep this guy around but you don’t feel comfortable fucking him yet, let him know you understand his pain and give him some relief by blowing the living shit out of him. It’s only fair. A blow job with full stops usually lasts about 15 minutes without any talking/smoking/drinking/texting breaks. Signs you might be doing something wrong can be easily spotted by realizing you are performing less than 15 minutes. Start by figuring out which area you are not licking/sucking/drooling/spitting/gaging on enough. Remember that a blow job works exactly like propaganda videos: “repetition is key”.

Make sure you understand that a blow job and a hand job go together in the situation you are in. Why? In front of you, you got a guy who needs his dick pampered. He chose you as a sexual partner and he had the balls to ask you for pussy. You are denying him access to your privates, so a feeling of rejection is already hurting his ego. Let him know it’s not him, but it is you the one with the issue. What better way than helping him out to relieve that tension than to letting this guy face fuck you? Along with some hand action. You know, something proper. Kinda like when you go to a wedding, you know you have to bring a gift.

If you pull this off, this guy will wait patiently for about close to a year. Sorry sweetheart, but if this guy hasn’t gotten inside you after dating your ass for a year, then he is completely deserving of having the freedom to dump your ass and get his fuck on somewhere else.

B - Anal anyone? Some religions out there completely prohibit girls from fucking until they get married. Some religions even condemn any kind of “banter” between members of the opposite sex until they tie the knot. If you are one of those girls stuck in such a bullshit deal with your parents’ culture, then you have the choice of getting some dick action, just not through the “usual” methods.

Your asshole works as a good alternative when being stuck in a “non-pussy” offering situation. Just make sure you have enough lube around unless you are open minded about the spit-fest your ass will become in a period of around 5 minutes before you see any thrusting action.

Some girls have mentioned in the past that anal sex hurts a lot. I ain’t gay, so I wouldn’t know how that feels and trust me when I tell you that I ain’t trying to find out either.

If anal sex hurts you, you can train little by little with dildos and other sexual artifacts that porn shops sell. If you ain’t old enough to enter a sex shop, then ask your older best friends to acquire these products for you. There’s all sizes of dildos, but for your training you need to start small. Don’t get those horse-like oversized fist looking dildos since most likely they will damage something inside or outside your ass. Then, when your guy is in the need of some ass, let him have your ass, literally. Now, I ain’t saying you will enjoy it as much as you would enjoy having regular intercourse... but it will give you some leeway until you feel your religion is comfortable with your privates being used for what they are designed for.

C - Call the police: If this guy is getting beyond pushy, he is being inappropriate. Call the cops on his ass and teach him that “no means no”. Unless you are one of those girls that says “no” she really means “yes”. Then it gets all confusing. Better get a good lawyer either way.

It’s a good idea also to tell someone at all times where you are going. Not specifically your parents, but at least a close friend. Hormones can get the best out of some guys sometimes and they will come close to thinking about doing stupid shit which will get them in legal trouble at some point. Specially when dealing with a blue balls setting like this one. A good can of mace can help you get the fuck out of “about-to-cross-legal-lines” situations. What kind of situations? Murder, rape and variations of those. Nothing good.

Also, it’s important to point out that if you are under the age of 18 ( or 17 in some states ) you cannot legally fuck anyone older than you. So basically if you are under the legal age of intercourse and someone older is being pushy, he is breaking the law and you should consider getting off your back and asking this guy if your vagina is worth going to jail for. If he says “yes”, then get the fuck out of the room because this guy isn’t using his fucking brain, he is letting his cock make decisions for him. Call the cops if he obstructs your way out. Scream if he doesn’t allow you to make the call. If he gets physical and starts forcing himself on you, I suggest for you to pretend you are finally comfortable with fucking him and start by giving him oral. When he is relaxed and his mind is cloudy, go for a sucker punch to the balls and while he is in pain, head the fuck out of the room.

Good luck.

Tip # 3: Don’t drink and fuck.
Most teenagers aren’t the best of drinkers. It’s understandable, you’re a fucking kid, you aren’t allowed to legally drink yet. Regardless, everyone knows teenagers are the heaviest and most reckless drinkers of all. Something about not being legally allowed to do something at that age sparks a mind altering desire to search for alcohol and consume it... in large quantities, because you are “proving to your friends you are not a -pussy-”... right?. Also, if you are not legally allowed to drink yet, your “bar” is the house party around the corner.

The problem is that most guys know that when you have a couple of drinks in you, then your legs will proportionally open up. 75% of guys at a bar/house party are always hoping for this scenario to happen, that they get to talk to the girl who had a “little too much to drink” and she feels very touchy feely and all that bullshit. Then the wild stallion will conquer at the nearby motel/bathroom/backseat of a car/garage... or even a local playground. Motherfuckers don’t respect shit.

We are trying to not let you get pregnant here, so the best of advice would be to tell your friends to keep an eye on you while you down those patron shots. Your pussy goes in auto-pilot the moment the alcohol hits your brain. Tell your friends to take the wheel of this train wreck. You know how spiderman has that “spidey sense”? All of us men have a spidey sense for spotting drunk girls about to offer vagina to the next guy they have a conversation with. Spotting them and closing the deal on them however is a completely different game. Guys will fuck drunk girls depending on their own morals. I have a quick rule of thumb regarding fucking while drunk: If I get progressively drunk with them while this whole situation takes place, then it’s fair game. Because you both are consensually driving that train into it’s wreck, and if she is riding it along with you it’s because she wants it, unless this girl is totally clueless about where drinking, flirting and touchy-feely approaches end up in. Then I'm letting you know right now girls: Drinking and flirting with a guy most of the times ends up in sex, so if you think you won’t put out then don’t waste this asshole’s time and let him try to get laid with someone else who is open for business. Don’t hog a cock you can’t fuck. There’s plenty of girls out there who need their dose of weekly dick and get drunk at the bar for a reason, to be spotted and carried to the nearest place where they can lay on their backs. Let them have the dick you are selfishly keeping in a jar.

Getting high applies to the same situations mentioned here. Only difference is that you’ll have even less control over your pussy while the drugs are clouding up your judgements. If you want some “responsible” advice, here it is: don’t do drugs. If you “must”, then don’t do drugs alone with a guy who you know wants to “get to know you better”, because you will only hear from him again when he answers the phone right before you tell him he’s about to be a fucking father.

Tip # 4: Don’t watch porn in a group.
So a couple of friends have invited you to their house and everyone is having a great time. Then somehow, someone has decided to showcase some pornography on a screen in the room you are hanging out in. Now everyone’s attention is focused on this screen and the mood in the room has changed. If the porn is allowed to keep rolling and everyone is still focused on it for a period longer than 30 minutes, you are potentially in the middle of an orgy about to happen.

Orgies usually don’t practice safe sex. Plus, think about someone getting pregnant after 6 dicks were inside of you the same day. Not even Maury will be able to help you with this one.

A guy usually cannot keep his hands to himself ( or from himself ) after watching porn for a period longer than 5 minutes. Think of him inside a room with girls after 30 minutes of exposure to this material. It’s almost like taking a pedophile to a children’s pageant. How long you think this guy is gonna be able to control himself?

If you willingly agreed to continue watching porn in a group, then you must know where this is going to end up. Either in group sex or a one on one session with the horniest guy in the group.

My suggestion: if you don’t want to get pregnant, leave. Otherwise, stay and suffer the consequences. Think about your parents. Think about that painful birth. Think about the nights you won’t be able to sleep because of the baby crying. If you cannot comprehend how annoying is a night time crying baby because you’ve never been exposed to the situation ever, just imagine having a pack of rabid hungry dogs barking the whole fucking night. Doesn’t sound so good does it? Don’t watch porn in a group. Period.

Tip # 5: Don’t play “truth or dare”, EVER.
Anyone who has played “truth or dare” before, knows exactly why they played it. They wanted to engage in some sort of sexual advance from the person they were trying to “dare”.

If you’ve never played “truth or dare” before, let me fill you in on what the game is about. You gather a group of people you find sexually attractive and then one by one you ask them if they want to tell you the truth about a question you ask ( hand on “holy book” and a sworn statement makes the game a little more interesting ). If they don’t want to do it, then you tell them they gotta “dare” to do something, which calls in to ask for sexual advances. Teens usually go for the little stuff like “french me” or some shit like that. However, quickly once you’ve worked through the easy stuff, you can ask for more skin on skin activities. The game was basically designed to get you fucking someone you never wanted to fuck to begin with, because those are the rules of the game. You have to DO what they DARE you to do. Otherwise you are a fucking loser.

I happen to be a very big supporter of this game. It has gotten me laid before and/or close to get laid to the point where I only need a second date to close the deal. Surprisingly, people seem to respect the rules and there isn’t much of a hesitation against uncomfortable hook ups ( hottest girl & ugliest guy situations are common. Good news for socially impaired people).

Basically, this isn’t a good game to play if you’re in a quest to not fertilize one of the eggs in your reproductive system. So, by all means girls, do not engage in this fucking game, because literally that’s what it is, a fucking game. It is also known to be encouraging of gang-bangs.

You know, republicans have a big problem with abortion. All I did here if you think about it, is to try to prevent republicans getting pissed off about fetuses being destroyed. However, the problem is not at the abortion clinics. In the clinic they already know what happened..... , your teen opened her fucking legs without thinking about the future. The clinic is just trying to repair a problem. The problem being: kids fucking. You can help solve this problem by telling them the previous 5 tips. They are guaranteed to stop premature impregnation by 75% ( the other 25% contains rape, sexual abuse by relatives, artificial insemination, hermaphrodites, “miracles” -see Virgin Mary- and freak births ).

Create your own Religion in a few easy steps !!

Wed, 12 May 2010 06:16:17 -0400

Unemployed?

Tired of having to figure out what to do for a living every few years when you get fired or laid off by corporate companies?

Tired of coming up with business ideas every time your current plan fails to deliver the projected profits you promised your investors?

Tired of defrauding retirees out of their life savings?

Tired of working dead end jobs which require 200% of your physical and/or mental strengths?

Tired of offering services people don’t need?

Tired of living on a commission based budget?

Tired of selling land in a state where no one wants to live?

Tired of going to school to learn skills which are underpaid by white collar companies?

Tired of pick pocketing strangers/coworkers/friends/parents ?

Tired of being told what to do by others? Specially people you don’t know?

Tired of having to find a new person to borrow money from every day?

There’s an easy solution !!
...and it’s only a few steps away !!

Create your own Religion!!!
Everyone is doing it !!!

Why should I create my own Religion? It’s the easiest way to get your hands on people’s money !!! It’s an opportunity to get back 1‘000‘000‘000‘000% of your investment with little or no work necessary !!! You can even work from home !! You can even make money while you sleep !!!

Do I need to graduate in any field to create my own Religion? Not at all !!! The only thing you need to get your own Religion rolling is a little bit of imagination !! ...and if you don’t have any, you can easily find some inspiration on other established Religions !! Yes, it’s that easy !!

Will people call me a fraud if I cannot prove my Religion is real? No Religion can convincingly produce any evidence for their beliefs to be recognized as “real”. This is great news !! This means your Religion will never be subject to tests to determine if it should be seriously considered as a belief !!

Will anyone follow my Religion? If Paris hilton can get over a million followers on Twitter, if dozens of people have been drawn to drink Kool aid at an isolated part of the world with the promise that a UFO will pick them up.... I can guarantee you a large amount of “anyones” will follow whatever you come up with !!! It’s idiot proof !!! People are desperate for answers to their questions. As long as you can come up with something to satisfy that need, then you are in business !!

But what if my Religion is a lie? Who cares? As long as the money starts pouring in, I’m sure you won’t have a problem with it !!! BTW, is it a lie? You don’t even know that yourself !! That’s the beauty part !! Maybe your inspiration came from “God” !!! “God” might actually be “talking to you” !!!

I don’t feel right about this !!! What? You don’t feel right about giving people hope and happiness by making them believe there is a conscious “lord” making decisions on a large scale basis out there? You don’t feel right about making some serious cash? BTW, you are not scamming anyone as long as they believe in it !!! That’s the power of Religion !!! ....and why wouldn’t you feel right about it when others have been doing this for millenniums? Get in on it !! Let’s get that cash rolling !!

Do I need to commit myself full time to make my Religion work? Not at all !!! This can totally be a part time venture for you !!! Your level of dedication won’t matter at all as long as you have a solid and successful marketing plan !!!

How much money can I pull in by creating my own Religion? Depends on how far you want your Religion to reach !! You can start with a small following at a local venue ( e.g., you own garage, your living room, a small business space in the main street of your home town ) , and then you can make a move to expand ( e.g., save the money your followers give you to build a bigger, fancier, more appealing structure ). We are talking anywhere between a few hundred dollars a month to over six figures a year or more.

How much money do I have to initially invest? Close to none !!! The first thing you would need to get your Religion rolling is a well written and convincing website. A website will cost you anywhere between $20 and $150. Not much compared to the money people had to invest a couple of years a go before the internet started to be taken seriously.

How can I get started? Ready to save some souls? ready to preach the word of the “lord” to your followers? ready to start piling up all that cash in your bank account? Excellent !! Let’s get you started !! Just take the following easy steps:

1) Write your own “holy book”: The basis of every single respected religion is their own “holy book”. You know, the one where all the “rules” are. Make sure you use the usual “holy book” stereotypes and common scenarios which usually include:

A) Set up, Plot, and Conclusion: People are always curious about who created this world, why and when. As humans we believe there must be a reason for everything because we refuse to think we are not special. You must make sure you start your story with some meaningful events which give people empowerment and pride to belong to your “version of the world”. Supernatural events and catastrophes are usually pretty big picks in “holy book’s” first chapters. Stories of endurance and hardship, so people already feel a connection with the “characters”. The power of storytelling!!! Only used this time to hook people up into an imaginary setup for you to sneak into their bank accounts at no risk!!!

Whenever you are done with creation ( dedicate about 3 chapters to this ), then you will be ready to establish your “plot”, which you want to make sure people understand is the present time where we all live right now. A time of lessons to be learned and all that. Pick a couple of metaphors which subliminally teach people to be selfless and careless about their money in the name of good. This is probably the most important part of this book since depending on how good you can explain to your followers that you need their cash ( since you come in the name of the “lord” and all ) will be proportionally equivalent to how much money you will take in every time you decide to gather these people in a room. Make sure you don’t make so obvious this money is going into your pocket by calling it “donations”. When people hear the word “donation” it has a very positive feel to it. Use this word a lot. If people feel curious about where exactly this money is going, then tell them it’s for some children somewhere that need money to eat and pay for medicine. It always works !!! Most people love kids, because they are cute !!. ( You can also use pets, old people and “mentally challenged” individuals ).

Once you have explained why you need their cash in the “plot” section of the “holy book”, then is time to give them a big scare with the “destruction of everything” chapters ( Conclusion ). Why scare people? When people feel scared, they make bad judgements and erratic decisions which you can take advantage of to condition them to react in the way which is most convenient for you. If there is one thing the whole world has learned through time is that fear is a very powerful emotion which allows people to inject ideas into others. (i.e. Brainwash ) Most of them involving destruction of anyone who doesn’t think like you or act like you. Why? because people fear anything and anyone they don’t understand. This is why you must use very enigmatic events during these chapters. Use lots of mythical creatures and numeric references. Throw some dragons and some people with wings. I think they call them “Angels”. Use the number “7” a lot. People like that number. Once you have people confused enough, they will start to question less the “plot” section of the book. The goal of the “holy book” is to spread as much misinformation as possible so people understand less and less every time the reason you need their money to begin with. Blood and fire are good elements to throw into this mix, people feel emotionally connected to both. Use anything you think people have a direct reaction to, because direct irrational reactions is what you need to feed people to cause a misinformation panic which is the root of every single religion. Fear. Confusion. Sounds like a good hook to add some cash in the bank !!!!!

“The happy ending” is the part of the book which is obligatory. It’s almost like a promise to everyone who reads the book. The promise states: If you live your life the way this book tells you, then this is what you will be rewarded with in the end. Also make sure you throw in the details of what happens when people don’t live their lives the way the book tells them to do it. Most of the times involves hot lava or fire or both. More mythical creatures can be used as well for this part of the book. This part is very key because the people who will try to ignore the book will definitely keep in mind what will happen if they keep ignoring their “duties” according to the book. Since no religion can prove all this surreal imagery does exist, then you can easily go all the way with this. Be creative. Watch a couple of movies for inspiration before you write this part. Have fun with it. ( watch a couple of Michael Bay films. There’s enough destruction in them to inspire the end of the world a couple of times over )

B) “God”: You have to make the introduction of a “God” character into your book. People want to know this “God” was there in the beginning because everyone is looking for a “father figure” all their lives. This “God” will fill that void. If “God” wasn’t there in the beginning, then it will feel more like an adoptive father, which doesn’t feel quite the same. “God” is a central figure to everyone’s “holy book”, because there must always be a boss. Make sure you make people aware he can create and destroy anything as he pleases because people only respect by fear. If “God” can destroy anything as he pleases, then people will respect your “God” by default. Humans respect anyone who can kick their ass.

C) The “Devil”: Every story has to have a villain. The “Devil” is the villain of the story and obviously he HAS to be an evil and deceiving character. Make sure he always pops up in parts of the book that represent the things you don’t want people to do. For example, for those in your audience who are thinking about saving their money instead of giving it to you, or buy things for themselves instead of “donating” to your religion, call it “temptation” or anything that resembles some sort of pleasure. Make sure you give a very negative connotation to the word “pleasure”, because pleasure is the root of the emotion which makes people want to spend the money on themselves instead of giving it to you. That’s not good for business and certainly not good for your pocket. Attach the words “pleasure” and “temptation” together. It gives it more power to be used for misinformation. Remember: Misinformation = $$$$$$.

Somewhere in the “destruction of everything” chapters, a battle between “God” and “The Devil” has to happen. Even though most of the times “God” will always win, you have complete creative control over this. Make sure you always use every word and every single event in this book as a way to help you get your hands on people’s money. Otherwise this whole operation is pointless.

D) The “rules”: Somewhere inside your book, doesn’t matter which chapter or in which area you decide to stick this in ( who gives a shit ), you must tell people straight up what they have to do to be able to participate in the “happy ending” area in your book. Yeah, this is an interactive book, isn’t it? To get there, you must follow the “rules”. Whatever rules you think about, make sure they all help you get your hands on that money. Which means, tell people NOT to spend their money on things they get “pleasure” from.

Things you MUST include as rules:

I - Adultery: Cheating on your wife usually has a heavy economical toll. Hotels, dinners, secret vacations, spontaneous expensive gifts, you name it. Cheating is pricy. So definitely include “Cheating” as something bad. I think they call it “adultery” in these “holy books”, so yeah, put that in. We don’t want people using their money this way. In fact, encourage people to not even have sex unless they are married, because think about all the gifts and dates and all that nonsense bullshit romantic paraphernalia which can cost thousands!!! We don’t want those things to happen. We don’t want empty pockets at our religious gatherings, we want pockets full of money.

II- Killing and stealing: When people kill, they go to jail and you will not be able to collect his share of the “donations”. Tell this asshole to stay out of trouble by putting in your book as a rule “Don’t kill”. Saves him the time he’ll do in jail and maintains his contribution to your pocket. Include “stealing” in there next to killing. We don’t want motherfuckers stealing the money which is coming our way. I think in the movie “Casino” they call this “leakage”.

III- Respecting your family: Promote “respect” between family members because you want them to be able to borrow money when they run out of it. It’s all about the fucking money, remember that. The more people that trust your followers, the more money you can count on since they can borrow from more people.

IV- Congregate once a week: The one rule you cannot forget is to remind your followers to assist to your “church” or “temple” at least one time a week. Because this is where most of your earnings will take place. Even though the internet is a good tool to collect money through the website, the best way to pressure people to give “something” is by peer pressure, and the moment people see everyone else is doing something, they will follow.

2) Open a gathering venue. A “church” or “temple”: Massive “donations” ( LOL, suckers!! ) can only happen by peer pressure. This is the only reason why we need your followers to assist a venue. Don’t get picky when choosing a venue. Literally, it can be anywhere. Here in NYC ( I ain’t making this up ) I’ve seen instances where they have opened “churches” at locations where strip clubs have once operated. Even so, you can double at an already established business. I used to go to a barber shop where they taught english classes for immigrants in the afternoon, it was also a “church” at night, and during the whole day it used to also be a drug dealing central. The “barbers/teachers/preachers/drug dealers” had each their own stash. No wonder why a couple of years later the cops shut the whole fucking thing down.

The method you use to collect your cash is entirely up to you. Be creative. You could use the old school “guilt trip” method by calling your followers “sinners” for hours and then once you have soften them up, have a couple of people walking through the isles with bags clearly understood to be filled with cash. Other more straight forward methods are asking your followers to pay a ticket to enter the venue, or a more direct approach, ask your followers to bring in their paychecks and you can take a percentage of their earnings. People will do whatever you ask them to do as long as you tell them you come in the name of the “lord”.

3) Merchandising: Merchandising is such a beautiful thing. Back in the day corporate companies used to have to pay TV channels, Radio and Print media to be able to show you an advertisement for their product. Times change !! Now it’s us who pay these companies to be able to wear their advertisements. Just like Tommy Hilfiger can put his big ass logo on the back of the Jeans he sells ( like a fucking bumper sticker ), you get to buy posters, stickers, t-shirts, b-movies and shitty misinforming 80’s flavored “documentaries” that do their intended motifs ( brainwash your ass ) and at the same time, it turns you into a walking-talking advertisement for their religion. There are religions out there which make little pamphlets for you to help them spread the advertisements. ( LOL ), they don’t even give them to you.... you have to buy them !!! WTF !! Right ?

Once your followers are hooked into your religion, the sky is the limit !!! ( literally !! ). The goals of a business realized !!! You have presented your own brand product to a consumer and this person is hooked !!! Bingo !! Now it’s the moment to maximize on profits !! If this was a boyband, now would be the moment to start making those action figures, lunchboxes and posters with their faces on it. Only this boyband isn’t singing, this band tells people
“ THE TRUTH !!! “ because “ NO ONE ELSE IS RIGHT !!! ONLY US !! “ and if you don’t listen to this band .... guess what? ..... you got it !! “ YOU ARE GOING TO HELL !! “

This is exactly the kind of message we want subliminally our followers to spread with our merchandise. Why? It’s $o fucking $imple: The more people we $care, the more follower$ we get !!! If you tell someone that they will go to hell and burn for eternity... unless they start reading your shitty books and coming to your half assed “congregation”.... there’s a chance the idiot will listen !!

How is the “ customer “ going to listen?

How do we do that though? Once again... FEAR.

Let’s put the characters of our holy book next to FIRE, covered in BLOOD, surrounded by DEMONS, next to people with WINGS, pointy forks and WEAPONS being swung around... oh and of course.. let’s allow the DEVIL to make a quick cameo.... Get someone from the marketing company to draw this up and then go ahead and make some posters and articles which people use in a regular basis.

1) Holiday events: Holidays are the best time of the year to bring in followers
into your religion. Why? It’s the only moment that all religions allow their followers to be able to spend money on themselves. Gifts, parties, festivities... heck!! even a tip for the security guard is allowed at this time of the year.

Basically, you must target dates where other religions have established holidays and make up your own story about why the days surrounding that date are special to your religion. You want to target specially December, the days surrounding Christmas. Why? because that’s the time of the year where most religions have their holidays, and the last thing you want is to allow your followers to be part of anyone else’s holidays. Why? because you are risking losing followers by letting them take part on the parties and festivities of other religions. This is why you must make your own holidays, so they don’t feel left out. Plus, after a whole year of “donating” you have to let them catch a break and buy something for themselves. Some religions aren’t so keen in allowing their followers buy anything “too expensive” for themselves during the holidays, so if you want to put a price limit on the gifts, you can also do that.

Let’s work now on that story why the “holidays” are a time to celebrate for your religion. If you lack inspiration, use any of the following stereotypical holiday stories:

- Your “Messiah” was born during this time. Yeah, people will right away say that this is a ripoff of Jesus. Well, tell them off by saying that Jesus is actually a ripoff of your “Messiah”, because yours is older. If they want proof, just modify a couple of lines in your “holy book”. It does the trick!!! Religions have been modifying their “holy books” for millenniums !! Why should they have all the fun? Get in on it !! ( Free hot tip: Modify your “holy book” everytime you need to come up with proof for anything or when your followers start getting smart on you. “Oh.. but the book says....” ==The book doesn’t say that.. it says this... === )

- Your “prophet” visited earth during this time. Many religions talk about the holidays being the moment their prophets came to earth to preach the word of the “lord”. If your holiday story goes down this path, you’ll fit right in with the others. The easiest story to tell and the one with the least amount of risk. Be creative though. Tell them some random shit about the area where he preached or something similar. Whatever you do, please don’t pick Israel or it’s surroundings as the “holy land”. The moment you do that, you’ll have motherfuckers killing each other over who is going to occupy that land. There are enough religions losing money over that mistake. Don’t ruin your investment and pick some other areas as your “holy” headquarters. Want a suggestion? Try Las Vegas - Nevada. If your “prophet” picked Las Vegas as the place to be, you’ll have a cash bonanza. Figure out a way to be able to establish your church worldwide headquarters inside a casino and demand half the casino earnings as commission for doing them the favor of bringing in your followers.

- A war ended during this time, and “your people” were victorious. Not the most popular of stories, but effective enough to get people in the spirit of celebration. You must make sure people understand your “belief” has struggled to make it this far. ( “but the book says.....” ==Now it says this...==) If you want to add excitement to the story, make your followers gather at a specific time of the day and perform a ritual in unison. Tell them that was “the exact moment they won the -war-”. Make them cheer or clap or whatever. Pick midnight, it’s the easiest time to remember.

- “God” made contact with your followers during this time. Hard sell, but if you
have enough control over your followers, they will believe anything you tell them. Back in the day when people heard a story of this kind “God told me this” it wasn’t as questionable as it is today. Blame science and the internet for that. Nowdays when you release a story of this kind, motherfuckers start asking questions. Questions = No good. If you plan to go down this road, be prepared and make sure you have some follow up answers because kids these days aren’t as stupid as they were a decade a go. A “talking God” story will eventually wind up treated as a “cult” scenario, possibly fucking up your earnings and ultimately dismantling your business. Do as others have done already and gear up with the best lawyers you can afford and sue anyone who tries to bad mouth your stories by calling it a scam. ( Free hot tip: This story will only be beneficial if the profit system in your religion is based in a pyramid system where the “holy scriptures” are revealed in a set of levels where the more you “donate” the more is revealed. Since some of these practices might be illegal in some countries, be prepared to organize a cruise and take this party into the lawless seas. While at the ocean, anything goes. Have fun. )

1) Implementation of your religion to important rituals in people’s lives: If
someone is getting married, if a child is being initiated into the religion, if someone wants to share secrets.... , let them know you are open for business. You don’t actually have to give a shit about the follower’s personal life, the only thing you are there to do is to collect the money they will give you by “marrying” them or “baptizing” them, or whatever else is that your followers want from you.
Confession time is gold. If people want to share secrets, you should open your ears. It’s not wrong to use this information for personal gain. Once they are done with their “sin sharing” ask them to “donate” if they want to be forgiven by “God”. While this is taking place, feel free to surf the internet on your mobile device and check ebay for the items you’ve been “watching”. You might be able to finally bid after this follower is done with his confession.

1) Cement your legacy by targeting children. The future donors. Make sure
adults bring children to your gatherings. We want them to listen to the brainwashing early on since they are the future donors. If kids are raised with your beliefs, then you have acquired a loyal follower and possibly generations of followers.

An easier way to cement your religion’s legacy with kids, is to open up schools with your “teachings”. As soon as you have a way to afford opening up your own schools, go ahead and do it. There is nothing more effective than raising kids into your teachings by bombarding them with propaganda 5 days a week.

Opening up schools should be your number one priority right after opening up multiple locations of your “church” in at least 2 major cities.

Religion is the second biggest money maker next to War. That’s why the best way to guarantee one will work is by tying it up with the other. Once your religion has established itself as a majority in a powerful country, then you only need a “valid” reason to go to war with another country. Split profits with the heads of the companies which make weapons, war supplies and oil rigging related services + equipment ( some companies do ALL 3 !!! Coincidence?? ) and expand your follower base as well by setting up churches in the country which has just been invaded and exploited of their natural resources.

All and all, it’s all about the fucking money, never forget that.
....and people dare to believe this isn’t a sad fucking world.

Jerking off before going to a strip club. Bad idea.

Fri, 26 Mar 2010 11:34:27 -0400

The other day while having lunch with a couple of friends, I brought up the topic about strip clubs. Right away this fucking feminist bitch that came with my friend started ranting about the fact that she didn’t understand why people had to go to strip clubs.

Right away I let her have it.
She has some fucked up teeth, so I asked her when was she gonna get those fucking things fixed. She gave me a face and she said I was an asshole.
Still, I kept asking her how she was gonna fix that baraka mouth of hers.
Just before she was about to lose her shit in public and cause a scene, I made her realize that a bunch of men out there have a problem similar to her fucked up mouth. That problem is, men not getting laid enough or getting laid at all.

She looked confused not understanding how her teeth had anything to do with men not having intercourse, and I didn’t try explaining to her either how this made any sense. I just wanted her to feel like shit ‘cause she was pissing me off, plus I really want her to fix that mouth. Sadly she won’t ‘cause she works for a fast food franchise where they don’t give her benefits and I doubt she has enough money saved up to finance it out of her pocket ‘cause judging by her car ( some piece of shit Hyundai ) she can barely afford birth control.

She needs a dentist just as bad as a guy who is not getting laid needs some vagina.

However, why fix the problem when you can exploit it for profit?
There’s no money in the cure, the money is in the medicine.

The root of any business is to identify the demand for a product, then figure out how to supply it. Horny men who are not getting any are the #1 customer for someone who happens to know hot girls with an appetite for cash.

The stripper is a temporary solution to a growing frustration for these men.
She will not take care of the whole problem, but she will help to alleviate the need to be in proximity with some vag. Always leave the customer asking for more. That’s the key.

Some men have no access to be in proximity with an attractive female at all, and if they do, she wont be taking her clothes off and letting them grab her tits that easily. You might have to take them out on a date and all that, which will require money and time along with a mildly entertaining conversation which requires an attention span of more than 5 minutes at a time. Let alone the fact she has to be interested, which most attractive women are not since every guy they meet wants to fuck them, which gives them a lot of choices. If you look like shit, well, you are automatically within her last options and trust me when I tell you the odds are definitely against you.

The strip club is the place where you can skip all that bullshit in exchange for money. Pretty basic. They want your money. You want to touch them. The end.

No one is entirely sure what to expect when going to a strip club.
Literally it is like Christmas day. You go next to the tree in the morning and you see a big gift. You sort of have an idea of what it’s going to be inside, but there is always that question in the back of your head about the unknown.

There’s all kinds of myths and word of mouth urban legends about what exactly happens at a certain club here and there. Most of the times people don’t even want to speculate about it since there is somewhat of a level of uneasiness when talking about women allowing their bodies to be used as products.

The clear rule which society has upon strip clubs is that “there is no sex in the champagne/VIP room”. However, just like the sasquatch , you’ve heard of sightings where girls pick it up a notch and possible intercourse takes place. No one seems to know exactly where this happened or how, but you always will hear about it.

Let there be known that to be a part of this world you need to be a spender. The prices which these places run are definitely NOT for someone cheap or someone who is saving for a “rainy day”. If you make barely enough money to pay your rent and feed yourself, then I strongly suggest to disqualify any prospects on participating in these practices. You might have a tit in your mouth by going to the strip club, but when you go home you won’t have food to put in it.

Just as in any business, the strip club has a strategy to maximize their profits. The moment you step inside, you are immediately analyzed and classified to fit stereotypes which the strippers can base their “attack” tactics on.

The married, desperate, middle class man: This guy is identified easily by his nervousness since he is worried about his wife knowing he is there. His clothes will give him away since he is the individual most likely to come to this place dressed as if he was going to a party.

Most married middle class men are not in an economic position to spend over $300 in one sitting at this place ( specially if they have kids ), but they feel they have to do it since action at home has completely disappeared from the bedroom. Also this guy most likely has tried internet porn and the good old hand there but if he is stepping into this place... alone..... , is because he has thrown in the towel on masturbatory browsing.

The stripper doesn’t feel the need to make an immediate move on this kind of man since she knows he doesn’t have more than $500 in his pocket. He will be the “wild card” of the night.... and there are lots of those in the club.

The young ugly virgin: Easily spotted by his acne, unfit body and his awful clothes. They also either smell horribly ( cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol, poor hygiene ) or they smell overwhelmingly covered by a cheap strong cologne which highlights the desperation of still being a virgin after 21 years of age.

Strippers love these people. Basically since they are the youngest, they are the ones bound to behave erratically the most. Yeah, they look and smell like shit, but these guys are the individuals with the least amount of responsibilities and the itchy finger to spend their cash in distractions. In this case, this is a major distraction since it hits the core of their primary frustration. Not getting laid.

The good looking guy who was bored: Being good looking doesn’t guarantee you pussy because your personality might be completely fucked. However, it does raise the odds of acquiring some female company and having sex, so if a good looking guy comes to a strip club ( rich, poor, doesn’t matter ) we can assume the odds are that he is bored and came here not because he needs to satisfy a need but he just wants a distraction.

Strippers know this guy is most likely a player and they will guard themselves against propositions he will make. This is the guy who comes to dare a stripper to fuck him in the champagne/VIP room, or the guy who wants to take one of them for a date outside the strip. Keep in mind strippers are not used to have good looking customers, so when one of these guys who is mildly attractive comes around, they feel tempted as fuck to get it on with this motherfucker.

The good looking guy never winds up spending much money since he won’t stay for more than an hour or so. He won’t be able to be in the middle of a bunch of ugly desperate men for more than an hour anywhere else either.

The rich guy Ugly or good looking, nicely dressed or not, this guy will quickly rise to the top of the stripper traffic because of the amount of cash he is throwing around. This sparks alerts similar to fire alarms within the stripper establishment at hand.

If you happen to be in the strip club when a rich guy is there, you can easily spot him when you see 2 strippers come as a duet to one guy alone. Why give a private dance to a guy solo when you can perform a duet? right? strippers are smart. They won’t waste time with the rich guy’s pockets.

He will also have by his side the hottest stripper in the club at the time being. Because the hottest one is only interested in deep pockets. She won’t reach out to anyone else but this rich guy, and she will make almost no efforts to reach to the other customers. To her that is time wasted, and time is gold.

The loser This is a stripper’s best customer. The loser is the guy who is so hopeless and so confused that he can easily be manipulated by anyone who shows a minimal level of sympathy for him. In this case, a very hot half naked girl whispering sweet nothings in his ear can easily stick her fist up this guy’s ass and control his head movements along with his speech. A master manipulator.

It doesn’t matter if the loser has money or not because he will find it if the stripper has complete control over him. If she wants money, he will bring it to her.

Losers cannot be judged on looks or clothes since basically the loser is just a guy who is mentally lost without any clear goals, no ambition and no clear signs in putting a halt on this free-fall behavior. He will only be spotted when the stripper tries to make conversation with him and he immediately brings up key words such as “lonely”, “divorce”, “frustrated”, “disappointed”, “brokenhearted”, “dumped”..... and so on and so on.

The old ugly fat fuck This guy is the stripper’s dirty job. He most likely saves up some money for a couple of weeks and throws it all away that night. He will stay for hours and he will be very thorough with the girls he handles.

This is the guy who can most likely be kicked out of the strip club since he won’t be able to resist touching beyond boundaries due to the frustration of not getting laid for 99% of his life.

The stripper has a love/hate relationship with this guy. Depends how desperate the stripper is and how far she will let him go, ‘cause this guy is here actually to fuck. He has the cash to tempt her to do it and he is very pushy too. A 19 year old who is starving and about to be evicted won’t think twice when she is being proposed to open her legs for 10 minutes in exchange for serious cash, even to an ugly greasy fat fuck tube of lard like this guy.

Depends which strip club you go to, there will be different setups. Your standard strip club setup is a stage with a pole right next to a bar. This is ground zero ( Zone # 1 ) for the business. She takes her clothes off and dances, you look and drink. When she is done she will come next to you and she will squeeze her tits so you can put your fist between them with a dollar or two. There are stances where the stripper might even let you grab her ass quickly for another buck. Word of experience, never enter this zone. It’s a waste of fucking time.
If you are low on cash and you believe that this is the area where you’ll get the most out of your buck, you are fucking wrong. Not only the drinks are overpriced but when the strippers come down to collect dollars, they will clean you out in less than an hour. Since usually these bitches dance in groups of 3 or 4 ( in your standard strip ) you will be fisting racks every couple of minutes and literally it turns into something similar to setting up a booth where these girls make a line for you to give them free money. Fisting a stripper’s rack is not the same as grabbing it, let alone that some of them don’t even have a rack big enough to create the pocket where your first enters. These bitches also will give you a face if you only spared a dollar. They will want at least 2 dollars from you everytime you fist them. It’s bullshit. If you are low on cash, I recommend strongly to skip the bullshit and enter Zone # 2.

The next level ( Zone # 2 ) known in popular culture as the “lapdance”, consists of a one on one dance at a corner or another location where for one song she will dance and brush against you topless. The usual price on these dances varies from $15 and up. There will be a gorilla sized security guard staring at you from a distance making sure you keep your hands to yourself. The rules in this Zone are the most disputed and controversial of the entire strip club. Since the Zone system is designed to upsell you to the next Zone and so on, the gorilla sized security guard is there just to make sure you don’t receive more than what you are paying for. You cannot touch anything else besides her legs and her waist. Her ass and tits are off limits. You might get away with a little ass caressing and that is totally pushing it. Keep an eye on your belongings, specially your wallet. I’m not saying these bitches are thieves, but since the place is barely lit for you to see what the fuck is going on.... once your wallet is missing she won’t help you find it and the gorilla sized guard isn’t gonna take your side either. Be ready to be talked to as if you were inside a used car sales lot by the stripper, offering you to go to the next level, Zone # 3. Pretty much from the moment she starts dancing for you she will be already trying to sell you a Zone # 3 ticket, telling you how much she wishes you could touch her a little more. She might even let you get a peak of what you could be getting there by allowing you quickly to grab her ass a little bit or even allow you to lick her nipple for a second. Word of advice, make sure you ask what you will be getting in Zone # 3 from her ‘cause the last thing you want to do is take this bitch to Zone # 3 and get no privileges. Happens a lot actually, some of these broads have “standards”.

Most strip clubs will make their serious money in ( Zone # 3 ) which is known in popular culture as the “champagne/vip room”. This place is a small closed room where you can spend some time with the stripper in private. The rule of thumb inside this room is very simple: you will go as far as she allows you to go. Most common perks include touching rights to any part of her body. Grabbing, squeezing and some kissing ( if she’s up to it ). Nipple sucking is also considered standard but not all strippers are comfortable with this. Running times differ from 10 minutes to 45. Prices can go from $80 to $350 depending on the popularity and location of the strip club you chose to go. This room is full of possibilities as long as you are not shy about asking for what you want.
Keep in mind that to the stripper you are a complete stranger and she won’t allow you to get full access unless you request it. By default she will stick to a Zone # 2 service until you take control of the situation and start to get your money’s worth.

Not many strip clubs have a ( Zone # 4 ) , but it does exist. What happens there is unknown and is not talked about at all unless you have some serious cash to invest. If the stripper mildly thinks you have a deep pocket, she will make the invitation. A quick “would you like to go to a big room?” comment will ocur, and you will have to pay up front around $500 to get in. You can ask the stripper straight up about that room, but she will never tell you what happens in there.
Honestly, I have never bothered to find out what really happens in there since I would feel guilty as fuck spending $500 in one shot at a strip joint. I would feel like an idiot.

If you make the choice to go to a strip club, there are a couple of pointers which will make your experience a little more enjoyable.

A - Take a fucking shower: You are about to walk into a place where bitches are forced to brush against your body. Common sense says keep your body clean so they can do their fucking job.

B - Bring some bubble gum: These bitches are horny and wild. Your mouth will be everywhere. Keeping it fresh will get you more face time.

C - Do not dress in white: Some of these bitches have fake tans. If you are bringing in any piece of white clothing, get ready for that shit to get ruined. That spray on tan comes off very easily, specially if the person wearing it is dry humping the shit out of your dick.

D - Don’t you EVER wear a business suit: Strippers are on the lookout for money. Putting a suit on is guaranteeing you that you will be harassed by every single stripper the moment you step into this place. Like honey for bees. Unless you are doing it on purpose, please, leave the suit at home. I’m warning you.

E - Leave your credit card at home: When you are inside the strip club, your mind will get cloudy and your judgement will be handicapped. This is a trap. These bitches are experts at talking you into spending the couple of bucks you’ve been saving, or maxing out that credit card. Make sure you understand that no matter how much money you give this girl, the odds at fucking aren’t that high. She is there to chew you up and spit you out. Don’t get fooled by the system.

F - Keep in mind that your cock should NEVER leave your pants: These places are not oblivious that half the motherfuckers that go in there will try to get some face time for their dicks. Most of these places got cameras and they are on the lookout for guys who cannot keep their dick inside their pants. Trust me when I tell you that you should NEVER EVER take your johnson out UNLESS the stripper asks you to. Failure to understand this will result in some sort of body ache from the security guard kicking your ass, or even police custody.

F - Don’t jerk off before going to the strip club: When you ejaculate, there is a window of time of about 30 minutes, sometimes longer ( could last hours ) , where you will not want anything to do with sexual activities. I mean, technically you just got laid, so your mind will shut that part of your brain off. Some people believe that jerking off trains you to last longer while fucking. Truth is, timing is everything. If you happen to jerk off too close to intercourse, you are shutting completely that part of your mind off and most likely you will have a hard time when having to come again. This same scenario happens when you are about to go to a strip club. You want that part of your brain to want this, you want to be hungry for some T-n-A. Jerking off before going to the strip club is a bad idea. You will feel like you just had a double quarter pounder with cheese at McDonalds and someone is trying to shove another one down your throat. Don’t ruin the experience. Be smart about it you dumb motherfucker. Just try to keep your hands to yourself before going to a strip club. Also, don’t be gross, don’t jerk off in the bathroom at the strip club. To be honest, I have never used a bathroom at a strip club, ever. Guaranteed, there must be a few pervs shooting blanks in there. Don’t sit on that toilet unless you find amusing the idea of something similar to sitting butt naked on a giant glazed donut.

Word of advice. Strip clubs don’t help when you are on a puss hungry mood. If you are in need of company ( for your dick ) then go ahead and dial up the numbers of the ugliest females you know. 75% chances they will put out. You save time and money. Use a condom too, some of these bitches have not had dick in a while, who knows what kind of moldy shit is growing inside that hole.

Girls that say: “men only want one thing”, Please do me a favor and STFU!!!!

Mon, 8 Feb 2010 12:27:51 -0500

You know, it’s like a fucking disease once again all these fucking problems.
I swear to God, every time I hang out with ANYONE, there’s always some woman that starts some bullshit conversation about some guy that she started to see recently, and then her friends or whoever the fuck is with her starts to inject a good dose of paranoia and defensive attitude into this girl.
Couple of minutes later, guess what? The classic “men only want one thing” stereotypical cliche line comes up.

Oh really?
Men only want one thing....
I see....
So what the fuck exactly are we supposed to be looking for?
A relationship?
Is that what you REALLY want?
Or you just want to fuck me?
Make up your fucking mind sweetheart !!!!!!!

I got lots of experience in the dating field ( I assume I do after many, many , MANY failed relationships ) and I can tell you right off the bat, women don’t know AT ALL what’a fuck they want. They don’t!!!!!! 
So let’s pretend for a second I was gonna see some new girl called “Amanda”.

Date #1:
Amanda and I chill first at a lounge.

Date #2:
We chill at an outdoors bar.

Date #3:
We go to a restaurant.

This third night something is very different. We both assume that we have crossed a “friends” zone and we are moving on to “another zone”. This is exactly where the problem is. Women don’t know where this “next zone” is!!!!

So I proceed to make a move and try to kiss Amanda. We make out for a little while and I expect a chance at sex, but she ended the night abruptly signaling that sex won’t be happening as soon as I expected and it would have to occur at a future occasion, much later when “she thinks is right”.

Obviously, now I feel anxious to “get to the next level”, which in reality the truth is just an awful case of blue balls. My dick expected some play time and It got denied.

Was there ever a time as a kid when your parents promised to take you out somewhere and when the time came they told you “there was a slight change of plans” and you stayed home feeling like shit ‘cause you were waiting the whole day to go out? This is exactly what this situation felt like. Like I couldn’t go out. In this case however, I couldn’t get in.

Amanda gives me the cold shoulder for a couple of days. Doesn’t answer calls, gives very brief text message responses... like.. “Family. Busy.”, doesn’t reply to Facebook personal messages. Doesn’t reply to AIM messages and logs off a couple of seconds after she sees you have logged on. WTF? right?

As a man you start wondering WTF is going on!!!!! seriously!!!!!!
Obviously there was something there, otherwise we would’ve not made out....
this shit is fucking confusing, I swear!!!!

Amanda finally decides to confront me after almost a whole week of brief or not communication. She tells me she has started to see someone else..... , because “ you and me, we are only friends!!!! “ ........

......... and then......... the eternal ENIGMA of dating and relationships arises.....

Amanda asks the classic question:

“How do I know that you are not just looking for sex? “

Hmmmmmm , What?????????
I thought for sure that’s what we were waiting for here.....
Sex.....

What is this?
Where do you come off asking something like that?
We hung out, we made out....
Until that point to me it looked like there was a clear signal of an “upcoming sex proposition”.... Now it’s all different? when did it change? How did I change it?

So now, guess what? I assume that to be able to fuck this broad I’m gonna have to “speak her language”. I go ahead and express that “I got feelings for her” because now I automatically assume this broad wants something more serious with me. Telling her that “ I have feelings “ for her is most likely what she wants to hear. In my mind however I know this is a lie and I really don’t feel anything for this girl... who am I kidding?. Believe it or not though ...... us men can develop feelings for any girl at any time... specially if we think they are super-hot and if we know we have a chance at having sex with them.

Don’t believe me?
Guys: Have you ever walked down the street and see an amazingly hot girl walking by and then you look her up and down and also turn back to look at that ass, and then you say to yourself “ Oh man, she is fucking hot!!!” .... of course you have.... , we all have. Now, here’s the twist. Would you say you “have feelings for her” ? Most likely not. You just saw her. You still think of her as a stranger, right? Well, what would happen if someone told you this girl “is in love with you” ? Even though this is the first time you’ve seen her... maybe she has been secretly watching you for some time..... you don’t even know her name...

This is what will happen, you will make the following math in your head:

Hot girl + she “ has feelings for me” = sex

Somehow, the equation will feel unbalanced in your head.
Very quickly, by seeing her and having sex with her, the equation will look more like this:

Hot girl + she “has feelings for me” = sex + “ I have feelings for her “

====> So this is how this all fits in into the Amanda story so far......
Initially I will lie and say we “DO have feelings for Amanda” , and even though we don’t at the moment.... we do know that if this turns out well..... we will have feelings for her in the future.... , so it’s almost like a lease of feelings until the real ones come around.

This story is actually true, this fucking story I’m telling you here. I’m changing names around , but yeah. This shit actually happened to me.

So now I call this broad in New year’s day, and we started telling each other what we did the night before and having all that flirtatious bullshit laugh-a-ton we all guys do when we are trying to get in some woman’s pants... , and then I go ahead and put in motion a set up to my reveal that I “suddenly” have feelings for her.

This is the blueprint of the plan I had in my head when I made the call that afternoon ( I didn’t make this graph that day. I visualized it. I did the graph just a minute a go to illustrate my point. Just clarifying. )

As you can see, square #1 at that point was accomplished.

Now, square #2 consists of a quick and meaningless lie which will just “speed up the wheels” and get me a short cut into an intimate encounter with her which will get us to the last square of the plan. You know, the one where it says “sex”.

I told her that at midnight the night before ( New year’s countdown ), while everyone was celebrating, I stopped for a second to think about her.

As I’m waiting impatiently for her to have some sort of reaction, any reaction..
I notice she is quiet, and then this girl fucking snaps with some bullshit along the following lines:

What? what are you talking about?
Thinking about me at midnight?
That sounds like you are like obsessing over me or something!!!
We are ONLY friends!!! OK????
We kissed and that was it !!!!!!
Get that through your head !!!!!

Confusion takes over.

What’a fuck does this broad want?

Does this broad want my heart or my cock?
Actually, by the tone of those lines she yelled at me, I would say she doesn’t want either.

At this point I just give up and think to myself that maybe I was reading into this situation too much and maybe I actually never had a chance to fuck this broad. Maybe she wasn’t attracted to me at all. Maybe this whole thing was a misunderstanding.

I did what any responsible, self respecting adult should do in a situation such as this one and just apologize about the occurrence and leave her alone. Forever.

Guess what.
Couple of days later she calls.
We hang out and we make out again.

I really don’t understand this shit anymore.
There is no happy ending to this story since this broad does shit like this to me every couple of years. She is a fucking cock teaser.

We meet, we make out and then she denies my johnson some attention. Also doesn’t want to get involved into a relationship. WTF?
What exactly do these women want? I am fucking serious!!!!!
WTF you want?????

Please do me a fucking favor and every time you eavesdrop into a conversation where some woman is saying that bullshit line:

“ men only want one thing “,

I want you to go ahead and tell her in response:

“ at least we know what we want ”

This story hasn’t ended yet.
Honestly I can give a rat’s ass if she does put out or not in the end.
I just wish she would stop cock teasing me since it’s just as stressing as having a job interview every couple of weeks and not getting a direct response to my application.

This is not a porn site!!!!

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 07:46:39 -0500

I knew from the moment I registered this web address that something of this kind was bound to happen sooner or later....
Apparently I’ve been getting a lot of hits from India. Most of them from people that use search engines to find porn, and look at the list of shit these people are looking for:

More than half my traffic at this point is coming from multiple cities in India looking for some site called fucking world dot com, which doesn’t exist. It’s some bullshit parked Ad site which is just waiting to be bought by some idiot in hollywood making movies in his apartment having sex with the barely legal girls he auditioned an hour before he started filming, paying them a couple hundred for a fuck on tape.

I gotta say, some of them have actually stayed to read.... , hopefully the material I’m writing isn’t a new form to get off for these bastards.

So yeah, assholes, this isn’t a porn site of any kind.

The only material you’ll find useful for your masturbation ritual in this site is the following two links of unbelievable bullshit I’ve found on the internet. I usually just link to these shits on my twitter account ‘cause I am not fond of the idea of this place turning into a harbor of sickos and crazy motherfuckers.

So far I’ve had 2 links. One to some twisted ass japanese show where they have a girl’s head on the bottom of a giant bowl, naked, and then they bring a bunch of other naked asian chicks which treat the bowl like a toilet. Not only this keeps on going for about 50 girls, but in the end, she exits and then proceeds to take a big portion of human feces and eats it while rubbing another on her tits.
Now... come on, wouldn’t you put up a link to that as well?
Sure you would!!!

Then I had another one not too long a go from some girl that is also from some japanese show where she is throwing up in a bowl, and a lot. Then towards the end of the video goes ahead and drinks it up. WTF?
This is a sick sad world.

When you find that level of experimentation being performed on tape and being broadcasted to the world via internet, you must point it out. Just like I’m doing it now.

Who is ( hopefully ) paying these girls to do these acts?
Are you fucking serious?
Girls being shit on?
Peed on?
Eating shit?
Drinking vomit?
WTF!!!!!!!

I must admit. There is a 100% entertainment value to these acts ( that is, if you can stomach it, which I haven’t been able to watch either video in their entirety).

But you must wonder who is coming up with these ideas. Seriously.

What I love about these social networks and video upload sites and photo upload sites, is the fact that we are finally being able to see on the screen a reflection of how sick we really are. How fucked up and twisted everyone in this world is to the point of making some guy’s daughter bathe in shit and eat it.

Now, I can feel all you wannabe debaters crawling up my ass thinking about the usual BS social excuse: “ No one forced her to do it “, or “ is not the parents fault “. Exactly you idiots. We are all sick, including that little girl who is willingly ingesting someone’s post-digested food.

You don’t think we are all mentally sick? Do yourself a little self experiment and do the following:

If you live with a roommate, family or someone else’s family:

Step 1 - Ask for permission to use their personal computer. Look at the immediate reaction they have on their face the moment you said the last word of your question. For about a second or two they will quickly think of all the hidden stash of perversities we all have hidden somewhere in the computer. Surprisingly most people will agree to let you use it since they don’t want to look suspicious by the decision to not let you use it. So they will make nothing of it after those initial 1 to 2 seconds after the original question.

Step 2 - Make up an excuse to be able to use it in a regular basis. Make up some bullshit about you not being able to use your email from your own computer. It always will work ‘cause out of the 4 human generations presently living in this planet, 3 still think that the internet’s only purpose is to send email & email forwards. Don’t tell me that you don’t have some grandma or grandpa ( hopefully not your own parents ) who send you email forwards of a bunch of silly corny bullshit they find on the internet.

Step 3 - Now, this next step is considered an invasion of privacy within ethics and morals, but if you are close to them, then they will forgive you. ( that’s if they find out ). However, I must responsibly suggest not do this if you aren’t close with the owner of the computer since you could possibly end up arrested or even in some deeper bullshit.

What we are talking about is going into the photo applications people use. In a mac usually is iPhoto ‘cause that’s where the computer is programmed to put anything which comes from a photo camera the moment that is connected. Open up the photo library and quickly glance at what the life of this people looks like. Photographs are the little “trophies” we all collect through our lifetime to remind ourselves at one point or another of how crazy we were before or how happy we used to be at one point. Not many pictures you will find of sad moments I tell you that. But the one thing that is in everyone’s photo library are exquisite moments of pure insanity. The moment where the true you comes out. The real you. Most people actually don’t know that iPhoto comes with a feature to hide pictures from your library, and I am not gonna tell you how it works either ‘cause I want to contribute to the fact that other people must find your library with your sick twisted doings in it.

What you will find in this photo library will make you sick. It could variate from extremely silly, to corny, to perverse, to evil, or in some cases to illegal.

People are aware of how the new internet laws prohibit all kinds of sick shit from being put online, that’s why they will always have that one hidden stash of “Not Safe For Anyone - NSFA “ content.

Now, some of the brave young souls in this world which believe the internet is only available to their friends and people they trust, wind up uploading videos of themselves doing stupid shit which can easily ruin their lives by exposing how sick or stupid they are, and they do it anyway ‘cause in addition to them being stupid, they have a false sense of accomplishment by showing the world they jumped from a balcony 30 stories high and fell to a pool which has a sign next to it that says “no diving”.

My message to all of you is very simple. Be aware that in this digital age, everything you do in your computer, can be easily seen by anyone around you and perhaps anyone in the world if you decide to put in online. You are exposing your mental illnesses and sick twisted personalities with your MySpace pages, Facebook wall posts and Tweets you publish. Oh yeah, and also every single fucking photo and video upload website out there which are full of these attention whores. Thanks to all of you who upload this sick bullshit for us to see... you are letting us know that perhaps I am right. We are all sick.

BTW, people from India looking for porn:

1) There is no porn here
2) You can type the address you are looking for in the browser bar, you don’t have to google something you already have an address for.
3) Thank you for visiting SadFuckingWorld.com!!!!!!

Writing for this website almost got me fired!!!

Wed, 2 Dec 2009 15:57:24 -0500

That's right guys. This morning while doing my work I had an idea for an article and I started writing right away ( mostly 'cause I like to keep my ideas fresh ) , when my manager passed by and read the title of my article " why should I give a fuck about Tiger Woods crashing his car?".
Right away he called me into his office and the conversation went along the following lines:

M: yeah, SFW, what were you doing when I passed by a second a go?
SFW: I was using the computer for my personal internet purposes.
M: I don't think is in the best interest of this company to have someone distracted while doing their work.
SFW: I completely agree.
M: what do you think we should do about this SFW?
SFW: listen, I truly apologize and I take full responsibility for my actions. I'm aware of the policies regarding the computers and i will correct my behavior in the best interest of the company.
M: I want you to know SFW that I won't hesitate in writing you up next time I see you slacking around writing about Tiger Woods or any of that other nonsense you do on the internet.
SFW: excuse me..., but..... , Is that a threat?
M: Is just the policies of the company. If you don't think they are appropriate then I suggest you to quit.
SFW: I was just asking 'cause I remember very well a couple of weeks a go I happened to be a witness to a company policy breach myself
M: oh yeah? And which one are you referring to?
SFW: the time I walked in the office and I saw you sleeping on the conference table.
M: ........ Listen to me you little shit, be careful and watch your ass, 'cause the way you just talked to me ... has consequences
SFW: what type ? if I may ask
M: the type where I fire your fucking ass
SFW: Listen M, I ain’t a corporate member of this section of the company so I ain’t sure how your colleagues behave regarding social approach, but I believe you are in direct violation of many policies which can constitute termination and a possible lawsuit. If I were you I would watch my tone and I would also think very hard before speaking with that type of language since it's very clear that while you are on the clock as my superior... You are representing the company and I feel that if we are going to start addressing each other in the form you have just practiced, then I will not hesitate in suing your fucking ass to a pulp. Also, next time that you give me a warning or an ultimatum, I will be waiting for your ass in the parking lot with a pipe. Not only I will open a hole in your head, but I will also make sure you lose your sight and your walking privileges. Why stop there right? I may also pay a visit to your family and see where that takes me. I must warn you that time after time i wake up on the wrong side of the fucking bed and when I feel really angry I pick a random motherfucker like yourself and I let some real pain be felt in the form of old school physical aggression. So please, do yourself a favor and next time you walk around me, mind your own fucking business. 'cause not only I do my job, but I do it correctly and efficiently. There is no need to threaten me and walk in on me while I do my personal projects. It's not a fucking secret here at the office that when you finish your lunch you go in the janitor’s closet and beat off to iPhone porn, we all know it 'cause you put your iPhone next to the vent that is on the ceiling of the break room. I think also "Maria" the cleaning lady has some words for you regarding her 2 year old son who happened to be born exactly 9 months after that christmas party we had here where you were missing for a couple of hours right after Maria served the main course of the company banquet. Your ass is on the line for the situations I mentioned and many more which I could give a shit to talk about 'cause I OWN your ass. I definitely do. I got so much shit on you that is almost unbelievable. Like the time which I forgot my home keys and I had to come to the office after hours and found you looking at the financial report of the company for the quarter.... You know, the one which has not been released yet..... And didn't I find you buying company stock the next morning on Etrade? Please, do yourself a fucking favor and leave me the fuck alone before I bury your ass and ruin your life. If you dare to do this shit to me again I am going personally to corporate headquarters to report your ass and then to the police to make sure Maria gets her child support which she hasn't been able to collect since you haven't recognized that the fucking kid is yours. I took a picture with my cellphone that night when you had her ass naked on your desk you dirty motherfucker. Just stay the fuck away from me before I lose my shit and I destroy your undeserving ass.
M: ......... ( clears throat ), ok SFW, thank you for your time, you can go back to work now.....
SFW: that's what I thought....
M: ..... And look out in your next paycheck for that raise you requested last year, plus a christmas bonus and some airline tickets with blank destinations round trip. Also your privileges for the company credit card will be expanded to private purchases.......
SFW: I like what I’m hearing, I'm glad that the corporate wheel is finally spinning in a reasonable direction
M: wait, SFW, before you leave..... Can I be frank with you...?
SFW: hmmm... What the fuck is this?
M: ....... SFW .... Listen, honestly, this would be the last thing I need at the moment... I am going through a nasty divorce right now and my personal trainer is blackmailing me with a videotape from the time we went to cancun together and I lost control while having a threesome and I exceeded physical force onto her girlfriend. She is gonna go after my ass for everything I got. I haven't been able to give her the out of court settlement payment we agreed on and she has me by the balls with threats of releasing the tape to the New York Times and TMZ. Please SFW, I Beg of you, pardon my intrusion and go ahead and keep writing about the Tiger Woods car crash.... Because I agree with you.... No one really gives a fuck!!!

Internet social networks are a fucking disease!!! Only one of them has been found to be somewhat useful....

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:30:32 -0500

Trust me. I hate social networks so fucking much.
I think they are a disease!!!

It’s a fucking VIRUS!!!!!

This is how “social networks” can be transmitted,
and beware because there is no cure yet in sight since
this is a NEW DISEASE and it attacks you in a very
modern way which hasn’t even studied correctly yet,
known as SOCIOLOGY WITHIN VIRAL FRIENDS AND BEHAVIORISM IMPLEMENTED BY THE RULES OF NETWORKING WEBSITES ON THE INTERNET....

Beware!!!!!
BTW, this article is MOSTLY targeted for women, since they seem to be the ones with more vulnerability to this terrible pandemic. Still, a man can land in the same circumstances easily... just not AS often.
A guy can give a shit if you have a facebook account as long as he is getting a healthy paycheck and a healthy piece of ass.

1 - Peer pressure to fit in:

( ..... while at school )

A: Hey Amanda!!!! What you been up to?

B: Nothing much Jessica!!!,
just came back from vacation!!!

A: Really? where did you go?

B: Puerto Rico

A: Oh wow!!! Really? was it nice over there?

B: Oh yes it was!!! It was Amazing!!!!

A: Oh really? did you take pictures?

B: Oh yeah, TONS of them, 245 actually

A: Christ!!!!! ..... so many? and you had the patience to count them too?

B: Oh, I just know the number ‘cause I uploaded them to my facebook yesterday....... you should look them up!!! Request me as a friend!!!

A: Oh...... I don’t have a facebook.....

B: What? Why? fuck me!!!! are you fucking serious? am I listening right to this bullshit? Like....OMFG!!!! you are like.... so early 2000’s .....
I bet you still buy DVD’s and use Limewire!!!!
I bet you still use MySpace!!!
I bet you still watch MTV!!!!!
I bet you still listen to the radio!!!!
I bet you wonder where all the Virgin Megastores are!!!!!
I bet you still think smoking cigarettes is cool!!!!
I bet you think that listening to 80‘s hair metal bands is not cool anymore!!!
I bet you still got your iPod touch in firmware version 2.0!!!!
I bet you think politicians are the ones in control of this country!!!!
I bet you think there was only 3 bullets in JFK’s massacre!!!!
I bet you still got a Standard definition TV!!! ( box shaped TV for you technologically impaired people )
I bet you still play online multiplayer games in yahoo!!!!!
I bet you dress like a witch in halloween with scary, disgusting looking , erection killing make up which looks similar to the little girl in the exorcist ... ‘cause you might think that halloween for women is about being scary.....instead of slutty like it is for the rest of us!!!!
I bet you still think “Chocolate rain” is a funny song with a funny looking kid!!!
I bet you don’t know what PWN3D means!!!!
I bet you haven’t done the cinnamon challenge!!!!
I bet you....... blah blah blah
I bet you also blah blah blah

A: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!!!! IM GETTING A FUCKING FACEBOOK!!!!!

2 - Desperate loneliness with lots of free time and barely/no responsibilities:

If for a moment, you took the time to realize you just need to eat less, exercise a little bit, and dress sluttier ...... you could land a boyfriend.... or intercourse with a real dick, not a piece of plastic.
unless you are the girl in this video:

No offense to “Goddess Bunny the tap dancer”, but if I was to cordially invite her to come on this website and allow me to interview her.... i’m sure she’ll bring up pretty fast how she isn’t popular with the boys....

If you were just to try to look better........ you wouldn’t have to sign up for a bunch of networking websites where your feelings will get hurt when you realize you have less than a 100 friends in facebook and no one is accepting your friend requests.

People who are popular in real life, usually don’t need to be a part of an imaginary place where people with no friends try to believe they have any.... when in reality is just a bunch of sad, pathetic people staring at a screen and logging off occasionally to eat, take a shit and masturbate.

I must highlight that there’s been plenty of cases where two sad, pathetic, lonely people who were staring at their screens in their respective houses, got in contact with each other, discussed bullshit boring topics even to themselves and finally met to become two sad, pathetic, lonely people who got laid and possibly a marriage which will last as long as they can find their next “best online friend”.

3 - The hopeless promoter who has zero budget to market some bullshit idea to make money:

You think of yourself as a “entrepreneur” ‘cause you have just opened accounts in MySpace, Digg, Stumble Upon, Tumblr, Flickr, Facebook, Twitter.... so on and so on......

All of them you opened ‘cause this is the first step to your key to success....
because yeah.... I forgot.... this is how I want to know about a new product or new service which I will pay with my hard earned money with. Some fucking ignorant kid telling me to buy Life Insurance over a private message in one of these Networking pieces of shit.

But the awkward, spam-like approach doesn't stop you, and you believe [OH SO BAD ] that you will be the first person in the world to turn it all around and create an empire over a networking site’s free services.

Go ahead. Send me your bullshit business pitches over invitations to become your friend or suggesting me to come over an event where I can make money in, by attending a seminar and buying some learning materials.

BTW assholes, watch a movie called “Glengarry Glen Ross” with Al Pacino & let me know if you either felt like you should stop doing this neverending spamming or actually try to get a real fucking job.

So now that you know how “Social networks” is transmitted, let’s look at the symptoms:

A) Inability to be able to determine the pass of time during a “networking web session” which results in complete isolation from the world in every place where you go:

TIME: 10AM
LOCATION: HOME - (YOUR BED)
DEVICE: LAPTOP
Oh man!! Yeah, I remember now, about a week a go I opened a facebook account!!!! Let me see how that’s going on.....

Oh shit!!!! WOW!!!!!! I can’t believe I have 7 friend requests!!!! Let’s see who these people are..... who the fuck is “sex friend finder for free” ? , who is “ meet me in a private webcam chat” ?...... oh wait!!! I actually know this person here...... WOW HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!! that geeky bitch from high school who I was fucking on my lunch breaks has just requested me as a friend.....after 7 years of not hearing shit about her she still wants me as her “friend”.... oh man, she was the best at sucking dick that little geeky slut...... let’s rekindle that old flame and see where this goes......

TIME: 4PM
LOCATION: OFFICE ( AT WORK )
DEVICE: DESKTOP
MUST MAKE MORE FRIENDS..... MUST MAKE MORE FRIENDS.....
MUST TAKE MORE QUIZZES........ MUST UPLOAD MORE PICTURES.......
MUST DOWNLOAD MOBILE APPS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL MY ACCOUNT WHILE I’M ON THE ROAD..... ( SO I COMPLETELY ZOMBIFY)
OH YEAH... * makes little note on “notes app” of his smartphone , THINK ABOUT COOL QUESTIONS TO PUT ON MY STATUSES.... SO PEOPLE CAN INTERACT WITH MY DESPERATE CRY FOR ATTENTION

TIME: 11PM
LOCATION: CO-WORKER’S HOME ( BACKYARD )
DEVICE: SMARTPHONE
Even though I’m at a party and I have potential leads to have intercourse with these recently divorced lonely coworkers, I will keep checking how my friends count is going in facebook and who has completed the “which 80’s saturday morning cartoon are you?” quiz. Oh yeah, let me pay a dollar or two to give someone a “gift”, which is really just a drawing of a piece of cake on my screen & sending it to someone over a place which doesn’t exist......

....oh....hold on a second ( puts phone down )

What’s that Betty? your husband isn’t home and you want to show me your bathtub? Why are you massaging my back? Betty, can you give me a minute.... i’m checking if someone has commented on my status yet... which is.... “having a fucking kick ass time at Betty’s house party”.........shit YEAH!!!@!!@@!! someone just commented.... Kathy!!!!! yeah, Kathy just commented on my status.... yeah..... I haven’t seen her in about 3 years, she moved to florida......we just met once really, a friend introduced us..... , but I remembered her name and I guess it was enough for me to ask her to be my “friend”....

A) A smartphone which battery is completely depleted due to the constant vibration of the e-mail alert notifications which it was getting in a 5 minute ratio & the constant opening and closing of the mobile networking apps.

TIME: 9:30AM ( opening time for AT&T store hours )
LOCATION: AT&T store

Excuse me, Hi!!! can I get some help!!!, I need to exchange this defective phone because the battery doesn’t last AT ALL!!!!!!! It’s constantly asking me to plug it to the power!!!!!!

Thank you!! ( receives new phone ) , installs networking apps as soon as it takes it out of the box.

TIME: 9:30AM NEXT DAY
LOCATION: AT&T store

Thank you!! ( receives third phone ), I hope this time I get one that lasts!!!!!

TIME: 2pm SAME DAY
LOCATION: AT&T store

I need a better phone, sell me something that can keep up with this addiction!!! Sell me some shit that stays on forever and I have to barely type to be able to reply to the huge amount of electronic traffic my user pages are getting hit with!!!!!! ....oh man, I have to comment of a bunch of people’s recently posted pictures!!!

I) Lack of appetite, lack of sleep, lack of exercise, lack of focus, lack of EVERYTHING!!!

TIME: 8pm
LOCATION: Parent’s house
DEVICE: XBOX 360

Fuck the holidays, I am not gonna go to the living room and create lifelong memories with my parents, siblings and relatives.... I will stay in this tiny fucking bedroom which belongs to my 8 year old little brother and use his Xbox to check my user account’s huge accomplishments.. like.... over 100 friends....

( mom yelling ..... --- DINNER IS READY!!!!--- )

“I’m not hungry mom!!!!!”

This looks like the worst state of mind anyone can be. The “social networker” mentality which cannot let some people go about their days without keeping you tied down to some imaginary space in a communications device which connects you to people you’ve already moved on from and are a part of your past and nothing more.

When Twitter came out, I thought it was the single worst one of all. The most annoying part of the facebook social medium .... the “status” , now with it’s own dedicated site and a different name.

Who is giving a shit that you are doing laundry right now?
Who cares if you are having a hangover?
Why should I give a shit if you are having “the most amazing Chinese food ever!!!!!! “

However, after the Iranian elections of 2009 ( couple of weeks before Michael Jackson’s death ), Twitter found a niche. It finally filled a void in the world...

Twitter is the press release room of the world. It’s the place where everyone can release a tiny piece of information which anyone and everyone can read just by knowing your user name. Celebrities don’t need a publicist anymore. They can announce shit right from their cellphones.

The revolution of Twitter has been so fast that even CNN now acknowledges it as a key tool for mass release medium for breaking news.

We are entering a real-time information sharing world, where even the silliest fucking comment can be sent to millions with a couple of clicks.

So WTF am I complaining about?
USE THESE SERVICES RESPONSIBLY.
As we become more integrated, so is the media that controls us.
The more attached we become to it, the less choices our brains have and we will all become more manipulated by an imaginary place where “we can all be friends”
We have now control over our own media information distribution and just like the big media companies have controlled us in the past by telling us to buy this and buy that ‘cause “we need it” , or how “we are in code orange” of the terrorist alert system..... now we have the same power.
Post that Twitter status..... your 1‘000‘000 followers will see it on their screens...... be careful what you write and what you wish to communicate to others.... since written words have a very meaningful effect on people.

"Paranormal Activity": Don't watch it. Reason: Cheesy. Spoiler alert bitches.

Fri, 6 Nov 2009 12:51:21 -0500

So by now you might've had the misfortune of hearing about this film called "Paranormal Activity". I qualify as a "misfortune" to come across the path of someone ( or something ) promoting this shit film around you, since it's such a fucking scam of a film. I mean WTF??? Hollywood: are you fucking serious?

I admit it. I am a fucking fool for falling victim to the marketing Paramount pictures unleashed for this independent, unknown, obscure and very high schoolish film. Even though I knew the stories about Spielberg thinking his screening copy was "possesed" were complete bullshit, and the hype about the girl in the film being missing sounded like a poorly spread rumor.... I must admit, I felt curious about the film just to see what all the bullshit was about.
( that and also my plans for that night fell fucking through ).

I ain't kidding when I tell you that any idiot with a camcorder without any knowledge in filmmaking could've made this film. Do not even dare to compare this piece of dog shit to "The Blair Witch Project" or "Cloverfield", because those films actually had a comprehensive plot and all together it built up to make some fucking sense...... things that were missing from this poor excuse for a film.

If you've seen a trailer for it, guess what? you've seen the entire film. I ain't kidding either. In fact, by watching the trailer, you will see more than by watching the film. A couple of shots of some of the "scenes" the trailer advertises are not even in the film. I'm referring to the shots of a girl that looks similar to the "Exorcist" chick.

I'm serious, watch the trailer and you will save the ticket price:

Here's my reasons why you shouldn't watch this film:

#1 No plot:

I thought the whole point of filmmaking was to tell a story. Well, the people who made this film pretty much decided to take a shit on the whole institution of cinema by giving you a 90 minute film without a plot. Their excuse? Some girl allegedly is being chased by a "demon" and the asshole boyfriend instead of trying to figure out how to get her some sort of "help" with this "spiritual" problem, he is busy taping the whole fucking thing and throwing baby powder on the floor to be able to see the "Demon's" tracks. ( RIDICULOUS ) I'll be fucked if this is what this film is trying to pass as a plot. ( it is ).

Your average film geek ( possibly one of those comicon nerds ) will argue that the film does in fact have a plot. He would also probably direct you to the IMDB website ( which is a good resource in case you want to prove someone wrong when talking about how good a film is, just like this movie that recently came out called "Paranormal Activity" which completely gives the term "cheesy horror flick" a complete new meaning ). Then he will show you the "official" plot synopsis of the film, which reads:

A young couple suspects that their house is haunted by a malevolent entity. They set up video surveillance to capture evidence of what happens at night as they sleep.

..and he will probably read it to you ( 'cause geeks love to read you things BTW, even though you can read it yourself at plain sight )

So what you think so far? Does this piece of shit have a plot? Would you consider a plot some random guy telling the camera that he thinks there's a ghost in the house and tries to tape it?
I don't know about you, but even MTV has some shows with better plots than this one.. , and MTV has some of the worst fucking writers in the industry. Don't believe me? try to stomach some 17 year old bitch looking for cum stains on the sheets of some guy's bed with a blacklight. I ain't fucking around either, this is serious.

I believe MTV had a small series called "fear" where some kids were put inside a scary environment and they were attached to a camera which filmed their face while they walked around and got scared. You know what? that shit has a way better horror flick plot than "Paranormal Activity", and MTV is the toilet of TV programming. [ if you want to see shit, you know where to look.. -----I WANT MY MTV!!!!!!!----- 'cause I want to look at poorly thought out reality show scenarios where promiscuous teenagers vomit over each other and have sex with every single cast member ( and crew member....don't believe me? Google the history of the very first "real world" and “real world seattle -season 7-” ). But you know what? even this shit sounds better than "Activity Paranormal" , oh, hold on, it's backwards..... wait, hold on!!! I have to pee. ]

Don't you hate when your desire to pee makes your mind play tricks on you? like saying things backwards or agreeing to whatever people are telling you at the time of the incident? or even being talked to into watching a cheesy bullshit no-plot film like the #1 box office film of the weekend October 23rd 2009? Can you also believe that this movie did better than the well-established horror franchise "Saw"? Actually I can believe it since "Saw" has completely sucked since the third film.

#2 Follows the stereotypes of "defying common sense" within the decision making process of it's lead characters:

If you have no clue what the last sentence means I'm gonna sadly have to break it down to you ( read a fucking book BTW you ignorant bastard ).

Don't you hate that every single horror movie you watch has lead characters making stupid fucking mistakes?

....Don't open that door!!!!! Don't open that door!!!! You saw the killer go in that room..... so why are you gonna open the door???

.....the killer is laying down on the floor after you hit him with that shovel in the head...... why are you still here looking at him? wait a fucking minute.... why are you getting close to him? Why are you trying to figure out if he is still breathing?....

.....Why are you taking the dark alley instead of the properly lit one when you know there is a killer on the loose.... specially in the area where you are located... ???????

.....Why didn't you shoot the killer when you had a gun pointing at him???? this whole thing could've been over already!!!!!!

.....Why is it that every fucking time you hide from the killer... you have to fucking sneeze????

....Why did you have to leave your fucking dog inside the house where the killer just tried to chainsaw your ass?.....why are you going back for your dog? ...ok..ok...so you love your dog..... well.. apparently not enough 'cause you forgot about his ass when you were running for your life!!!!!!!

In this case, this film obviously follows the horror film cliches to the fucking fullest. The girl in this film isn't using any common sense when she is obviously being harassed by some sort of fucking ghost.

How does she not follow common sense and logical problem solving skills?

A - Calling a local "psychic" and not seeking any other help afterwards:

Instead of trying to get a priest or some other "supernatural demon fighter", she calls a local "psychic" who is just trying to jerk them off for a couple of bucks and doesn't really solve shit. In fact, the guy almost shits himself the second time he comes around 'cause he obviously can tell he ain't gonna be able to help a real problem since his "gift" is a fucking scam. Besides that, these people ( her and her boyfriend ) do not try to seek any other kind of help from anyone else when evidently the problem has gotten worse every night.

If I'm trapped inside a dirt hole, I will ask for help every fucking moment I can physically yell to the top of my lungs. Sounds like a logical thing to do, right? Well, these people decided to take their chances and deal with their problem instead of seeking help. Now, I ain't have to be an A student to figure out that if I have a problem, I will have to seek some help. These people couldn't do that.

B - Allowing her boyfriend to exploit her for his own self gratification:

This guy has obviously a plan to exploit the situation to make some profit. He initially starts to film " just to see what is going on " when they go to sleep. He gets some footage early on and there is obviously something wrong in the house. Ok, now what asshole?. He just keeps taping night after night with no explanation at all. He even puts baby powder on the floor to be able to see if the "ghost" leaves tracks. The ridiculous part is that the ghost does leave tracks. The boyfriend keeps taping it all with the excuse that he is doing this to help the girlfriend. Hmmm, how exactly does this help work BTW? Is your camera gonna trap the ghost? kinda like in ghostbusters? I doubt it. This guy just wants to make a buck out of his girlfriend. Hey buddy, while at it. Can you arrange a fuck between me and her? This girl has some huge boobs.

Shit gets more ridiculous once he brings a Ouija board and try to contact the "demon". He obviously wants the situation to get worse by instigating the "demon" to manifest himself. The girlfriend herself protests against the use of a Ouija board. He forces himself and even leaves the camera taping the board while they leave the house for a while. Of course, shit happens. It almost even starts a fire. This guy has had a plan all along to exploit whatever is happening here for a buck.

The girlfriend towards the end of the film acknowledges this and points out that they've been acting like fucking idiots the whole film "trying to solve a problem by doing nothing besides filming what is happening and throwing baby powder on the floor". What might be the only positive point this film has, the fact that even it's own characters acknowledge that the film is ridiculous.

C - The boyfriend might be the worst excuse of a "man" ever put on film:

Be a fucking man and show this bitch that you are wearing some pants in this relationship and get her some fucking help!!! I'm highlighting the fact that these people stay in this house for an entire month allowing this ghost to fuck with them the whole time. Towards the end of the film, the girlfriend starts acting erratically by asking the boyfriend to stay in the house when they clearly should leave since the ghost has gotten physical and violent. Does this guy have a personality at all? This is a clear situation that is calling for a rough awakening and someone has to do some yelling and some arguing. This guy does nothing. This piece of shit boyfriend doesn't have any fucking sense of being a "protector" of any kind. I feel bad for this motherfucker's kids if he ever has some.

This movie is just fucking stupid.

#3 The writers of this film deserve an award shaped like a bowl made out of shit:

I know 10 year olds that have better ideas than what happened in this film. I mean WTF!. Even writers who propose themselves to rip off other films have better understanding of the feelings that go through the characters heads during a supernatural situation as this one. If they were to just follow the course of what occurred during the "Blair witch project", they would know that if someone is being targeted by some "supernatural entity", the first thing that would possibly happen is the person getting paranoid as fuck and having serious nervous breakdowns.

The characters in this film are just hanging out and sleeping comfortably. No signs of mental disturbances of any kind.

You people should be ashamed of insulting our intelligence by putting out such a horseshit setup like this one. Fuck you writers. ( I won't even bother looking up their names 'cause they don't even deserve that much)

BTW. Fuck you Spielberg . You changed the ending to what could've been a half decent conclusion to this piece of shit. This is just a fucking disaster of a film, I'm fucking done wasting my time bashing this shit.

BTW, fuck you too if you go and watch this shit after I have clearly told you not to do so. Shame on you.

Friends with benefits 101

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 12:25:09 -0400

Until the year 2112 comes around and we have STD-free latex cyber-prostitutes who look like our favorite celebrities... we must resort to what is known in the business as "Friends with benefits"

.... A quick introduction:

Take a quick moment to realize how difficult it is to be a human being. Some of our most basic needs ( eating, sleeping, fucking ) actually require a LOT of fucking work. Literally.

As humans, we need to eat. To eat you need money. If you don't have any, then you must either know how to hunt or know how to grow your own food. Hunting now-days is kinda recreational, and somewhat dangerous, plus you need some hunting equipment, unless you think you can kill an animal with a stick ( which I think "Atreyu" did in the "neverending story", wow, that motherfucker kicked ass!! ). Growing your own food requires planning and a lot of patience. Let alone the fact that you must know what'a fuck you're doing ( which is where most of us will fail ). No, throwing a piece of steak in a dirt hole won't grow steaks you fucking idiot.

Sleeping is a little easier, however, you need a quiet and comfortable place to sleep. Back in the day this was known to be a random cave with some stones and your ass had to cover yourself with the smelly, heavy piece of animal skin. Nowdays the standard is your 4 wall room with a roof, which is the priciest expense we all happen to deal with most of our lives. Well, you can easily go into the forest and try to keep it old school, but your ass might get rapped, or eaten, or both.

Fucking is the most difficult one to achieve. Why? 'cause it requires some level of social skills, unless you want to pay for sex, which prices may vary depending on the area you search for it and the "quality" of the person you are paying to fuck. Jerking off might alleviate the need to fuck... but for how long? it's like a cup of water while trying to cross the Sahara. Let's get real. Your hand won't fuck you the way you need to get fucked. It's like ordering a beer at a bar. You need a fucking beer, not a glass of milk.

If there is one thing that the Biography channel has taught me ( after watching the serial killers marathon ) is that humans have a serious need to satisfy their sexual needs.

Most religious organizations ( Jesus Lovers ), ethnic groups ( Ignorant conservatives ) and social circles ( bullshitters ) make you believe that wanting to fuck someone without involving yourself into some kind of relationship ( like marriage ) is "wrong" or a "sin". But, really? If you wind up fucking a hotel maid and then you never hear from each other ever fucking again... is that a sin? Sounds to me like a bunch of bullshit. Two grown ups made a consensual decision to have sex, they both felt it was right, it was done and they hurt no one while at it. ( that's if you can keep your mouth shut in case you are married or in a long term relationship ).

When you are married, you know the #1 rule is that you cannot fuck anyone else besides your wife ( unless you are in a very "liberal" open marriage situation where you can both fuck anyone you wish, but even that situation becomes a bigger fucking mess ). Fucking the same person for the rest of your life sounds like total bullshit, it's almost like agreeing to eat sandwiches every fucking day for the rest of your life. That shit is prison like. Would you be able to eat the same kind of food everyday until you die? Don't fucking bullshit me, you wouldn't. That shit sounds inhuman. Why would anyone keep up with this kind of bullshit scenario? because people need emotional support. This is why people get into long term relationships and married, they need the emotional support, which consists of someone telling them that they are “amazing” and all other sweet nothings which make our day better by having an illusion that we might actually be "special".

...but the emotional support has nothing to do with our sexual needs as humans.

Society makes you believe that to "have sex"
you must have "feelings" or you must wait to
have sex with a "special someone".
You know, someone who "really means
something to you", or, "cares about you".
Well kids, this is false.

We got sexual needs. Everyone does.
We humans, need to fuck.
This is where the problem comes in. How to satisfy your sexual needs without putting your social life at risk?

The best thing you can do to satisfy them is simply to pursue a situation where no commitment is set and no attachments exist. This is known in pop culture as "Friends with benefits" or "fuck friends" , "fuck buddies", "booty calls"... list goes on and on since every generation has some new derogatory way to refer to this practice.

So what is a friend with benefits?
As the name implies, this is a "friend" who allows you to fuck them without any commitment. No questions, no bullshit, no attachments. This is someone who will swallow, let you fuck her in the ass and at the end of the night she won't expect a hug or some sort of corny "meaningful pep-talk". Your friend with benefits will allow you to go as far as you want and will not want you to spend the night over since they know what the situation is all about. They won't expect a call next day, or even during the whole week, or next week. They will expect a call eventually in case that you want to keep the fucking going, and that's entirely up to both of you to negotiate. This is also a person that is very aware that they are being used only for sex, however they are also aware that you chose them for this function, which is somewhat of a compliment since being sexually stimulating is one of the goals of most human beings with a medium size or large size ego.

All the factors involved with being part of a "friends with benefits" situation are very attractive to someone with a previous commitment to someone else
( married - long term relationship ) because this is also someone that can keep secrets and let you get a taste of what being single was all about. Fucking you and allowing you to still have your relationship intact is the best case scenario, well, it's actually the goal. Downside to this, is obviously getting caught, which will destroy your relationship and possibly your reputation, let alone.... your life.

Everyone, no matter what your status is, single, in a long term relationship or married, doesn't matter what you are.... , you will find a source of relief to have a friend with benefits.
I mean, who doesn't want to fuck? right?

Shopping around for a friend with benefits extends to knowing what your options are. You basically need to learn a tiny and useful skill: identifying who wants to fuck you.

So, who wants to fuck you?
There are easy ways to tell who wants to have intercourse with you. Most common tell tell signs are:

- People that ask for your phone number and your days off from work only 5 minutes after meeting you for the first time.

- People that ask you if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, if so, then every week or so they ask you if you are still together. After a while if they see you have no plans of breaking up, they will ask you if you cheat.

- People that randomly stare at you at a random public situation, for a long period of time, usually with a semi-seductive look. Either they want to fuck you or they want to kidnap you, so be careful with this one.

- People that know you and say hi to you every single time you cross paths with them. At the same time they always ask what you did last weekend and what you will be doing the next one, or even "tonight", 'cause they are trying to make it obvious to you that they want to be a part of your social life but either they are too afraid to ask to be invited so they want to clue you in, or they will ask you straight forward that they want to be a part of it.... and why? just so they can be around you to have a chance to fuck you.

- People that constantly want to touch your lower abdomen, stomach, back of the head, arms, hair and also give you long hugs. A long hug is probably the most obvious one, specially if the person isn't that close to you to begin with. If you are a girl, they want to feel your boobs against their chest. If you are a guy, they want to feel your dick against their pelvis. Also when this is taking place, they want to smell you. Personally, when hugging a girl and I get to smell them, I enjoy a clean-fresh-out-of-the-shower-soap smell, 'cause I get turned on by thinking about a situation where the girl just got out of the shower and she wants to get fucking right away fresh-soap-clean. I ain't so sure of what kind of smells turn a girl on, but this varies from person to person. I've heard of sick motherfuckers that get turned on by foul odors such as sweaty armpit smell and even ass smell. I guess it all depends on what turns you on in the end, but don't be gross. If you were to ask me to allow you to smell my armpits... there would be no way I would stick my dick inside of you. Ever.

Once you've identified who you wants to fuck you, the you must ask yourself if this is the right person for your recreational sex purposes. How to tell? Take these notes into consideration:

- Obvious one, you must find them attractive. Don't be stupid to involve yourself with someone who you don't even like since the whole operation will become a waste of time. When is time to fuck, you want to be hard. If looking at this girl naked doesn't make you hard, then my friend... you have just completely fucking wasted your fucking time. BTW, you're a dumbass.

- You want to find someone who isn't needy and/or emotional. Why? well, these people are unstable 'cause they are looking to get out of their loneliness and/or they are trying to forget someone else... as fast as they can. Meaning: They attach themselves to anyone very easily. They are "clingy" as fuck. Definitely not "Friend with benefits" material. You want to fuck and leave. You don't want to fuck and hug this person all night while they cry their heart out about some motherfucker that treated them like shit, possibly beat them. Some crazy shit like that.
In other words, you don't want to wash someone else's dirty laundry.
Common stereotypes of this group are:

* Recently divorced people in their middle 40's.
* Anyone who has to take anxiety pills or anti-depressives.
* Anyone who has an immediate need to invite you over their place
and cook for you.
   * Having kids living with them... of their own. ( Single parent...classic )
   * Anyone who's pregnant. ( that's a given ...... but, wait, ....maybe )
   * Anyone who says "I love you" on your first date.
* Anyone who mentions that their dad did horrible
things to them ( daddy issues )
* This one's a myth: Anyone who's 18 or 19 years of age. It's a total myth
'cause experts associate being young with being naive. This is arguable.
There are some very mature and "relationship aware" teenagers out
there. There are also your couple of professional sluts.

- You want someone who is private about their personal life. It's obvious. You don't want everyone knowing you are fucking a co-worker or the local starbucks girl. Let alone you don't want this bitch showing up at the front door of your house... the one you share with your girlfriend .... or the one you and your wife pay a mortgage on.

- You want someone who is horny as hell. Why? well, if you want to fuck today, chances are that if this bitch is a cock hungry monster... she will fuck you any day, anytime, anywhere... and this is exactly what we are looking for. Keep some lube ready BTW. You never know exactly when these bitches get dry and ruin your day. Think ahead, and think ahead for your other head.

Once you got your potential friend with benefits, let them know you want to hang out with them. The next move is -----KEY------ to get this rolling, so pay close attention:

While letting them know you want to hang out with them, you must present your case straight forward. You must let them know that you are not looking for a relationship and that you are not someone who will stick around. However, let them know you find them attractive and that you are interested in sex.
Be casual motherfucker, don't be too straight forward either. If you spill the beans too early, they might think you are needy. So this conversation must happen while you are relaxing over drinks or while having a meal, obviously, alone.

When I say "let them know you are interested in sex", I don't mean for you to tell them directly "I want to fuck you", 'cause that will most likely kill the mood and make the potential hopeful uncomfortable. What I mean by that is for you to "flirt" with this person, and flirt in a way that it's obvious that the next place you want to go after this conversation is somewhere where there's a bed and no one around.

Obviously, while you are presenting your case, pace yourself and ask this person what she is looking for. If her responses are similar to your demands, then we got a match here and you are ready to engage.

Make sure you don't sound too needy or too emotional or too desperate, you don't want to cockblock yourself buddy.

Ok, so that's about it. You are set. If you performed all these steps correctly, you will be fucking in no time. If you wound up not fucking it's probably because you fucked it up, or 'cause you're ugly. Don't blame me for your shortcomings in life. Don't be pathetic.

Are you pathetic?

Mon, 3 Aug 2009 11:13:42 -0400

Apparently being pathetic is one of the most feared labels out there, and also one of the most referenced ones.

Being "pathetic" is an accusation that gets thrown around with such ease that i believe it has lost its hurting effect. Back in the day, a motherfucker would feel depressed by being called “pathetic”. Nowdays pretty much about no one feels depressed by this. This shit has to stop.

What exactly does it mean to be pathetic? Dictionary definition:

pathetic |pəˈθetik|adjective
1 arousing pity, esp. through vulnerability or sadness : she looked so pathetic that I bent down to comfort her. See note at moving .
• informal miserably inadequate : his test scores in Chemistry were pathetic.
2 archaic relating to the emotions.

But, how exactly do we know if we are actually pathetic? If you are in a relationship, or even worse, married, you will be accused of being pathetic almost in an everyday basis. But when it comes down to numbers, you must wonder:

Am I pathetic all the time?
Sometimes?
Once in a while?
Was I born pathetic?
Is this something I can cure?
When and why am I pathetic?
What triggers this behavior?
Can people easily tell if I am pathetic?
How can I be less pathetic?
Is it pathetic to be pathetic?
Am I being pathetic by pointing out that I am pathetic?
Am I pathetic if I ignore being pathetic?

More or less, here are real life scenarios which could be used as a reference for tell tell signs which could conclude that you might be, in fact, pathetic:

- You ask someone out and they blow you off by giving you a bullshit excuse. Next weekend you ask them out again, and you get blown off again. If you ask a third time, you are pathetic and you will be even more pathetic every consecutive time you ask after that.

- You skip friendships, social gatherings and family events. In its place you just want to stay home and eat. Once your appearance has deteriorated, your reason to not socialize has become fear of rejection, and to get joy out of life you eat some more. Pathetic any way you see it.

- You are attractive and you believe everyone should pay a price to enjoy your company and physique. Either in physical, moral or material form. The moment that you cannot relate to anyone else around you simply because no one is "paying a price" , you are pathetic.

- You give money to a church, 'cause "Jesus needs you", or ( whatever equivalent of God or messiah ) needs you. In the meantime the only thing you get back is being bored to death for a couple of hours listening to nonsense superstitious stories that some human made up centuries a go, designed to fuck you out of your money by making you feel guilty for having basic human emotions such as lust, envy or greed. Pathetic on all counts.

- When you are around people, the only thing you do is to constantly make yourself look "cool" and "amazing" by telling your buddies how much better you are than them in any field. Athletic, financial, social, and how many girls you've "fucked in the ass". When you finally run out of stories that are somewhat close to being "true", then guess what? You just make them up like pancakes at the local iHop. You are one of those individuals people love to hate because the level of pathetic you inspire is beyond anyone's capacity of bullshit handling.
Do you have a dog? If you don't, then you must know someone that does. When you walk the dog around, I'm sure before you leave the house you prepare a couple of plastic bags to pick up the turd the dog will shit while walking around the block. Have you noticed that feeling of disgust people express when picking up that dog shit with the hand inside the plastic bag? This is exactly how your friends feel when having to hang out with you. They come prepared with their own plastic bags, and the moment you start bullshitting them with your over-proportioned stories, they have to start picking that shit up. I'm sure dog owners feel disgusted everytime they have to perform this ritual, but at least the dog owner is getting a meaningful and fulfilling companionship, on the other hand your friends are just getting fucked in the ass with yours, just like the girls you "have fucked in the ass". You are one pathetic motherfucker.

- Someone you wanted to have a romantic relationship with has just told you that they never want to see you again. Not only you try to get them back but you have a "plan" which will come into play if that person still refuses to date you. The plan consists of basically ruining their life at any cost in the form of rumors and events where he is forced to be part of uncomfortable situations just because you are either angry, disappointed or just hurting over being rejected. You also don’t care if he discovers you are behind "these attacks", you actually want him to know that it is you who is doing this, just so he can “think of you”. You are pathetic simply because you believe that if you are miserable, he should be miserable as well, 'cause " no one else can have him but you " and " he won't be happy unless he is with you ", when in the meantime you are putting the time and effort into finding a way to let him know that you are trying to ruin his life 'cause you still " love him " and " want him back ". Not only you are pathetic but you are also likely to do something illegal.

- You treat women like sex objects. You are only interested in getting to know a girl with the sole purpose of being able to have intercourse. There's two possibilities why you are doing this, both pathetic regardless:

#1 You are really ugly and/or your social skills are a fucking mess. Thus, you get none and the lack of sex is frustrating you to the point that the first thing that crosses your mind when coming in proximity with ANY female is to be able to fornicate. This is an unfortunate situation, but what makes it pathetic is that if this situation persists for an extended period of time, is a clear sign that you aren't putting any effort to improve your chances to be able to have sex. We are talking about improving your physical appearance and making your personality more appealing. Giving up on yourself is pathetic and a disgusting sign of laziness within oneself.

#2 You are actually a good looking guy and your social skills get you by. In return you get unlimited amounts of vagina and female companionship. Being able to have this kind of variety is not allowing you to realize that some of these women have feelings and they will get eventually hurt by your actions. Being able to get away with this isn't what’s pathetic by any means. What's pathetic is that when your feelings start to finally show up, you might not even know what they mean or what you're supposed to do with them. I will suggest you a shrink since if this one isn't taken care of by a professional, it might lead to severe depression and even suicide.

- You are over 35 years old and you live with your parents. You got no job, no college education, ( hopefully some high school , but wouldn't surprise me if you were one of those "GED" people ). Your dad got you a job at the place where he works and you quit after a couple of days. Your mom introduced you to a nice girl so you could chat with a female and maybe find things you both had in common and develop a relationship with, but after you fucked her you tossed her ass loose. Your siblings cannot introduce you to their friends because they are ashamed of you and they rather not allow you to show your face when they are socializing with a potential intercourse applicant. The people you know as "friends" are individuals you don't even know real names for since you met them all on the internet and the only thing you know about them is that they have a nametag along the lines of "DaveMathewsBandFan15" and they are good at some multiplayer online game. Last but not least, you collect welfare since the day you got laid off from that telemarketing call center job and you spend that money on McDonalds and strippers. I could take a wild guess and say you are overweight but that could be false since you might be also a gym muscle head who has a band which will " make it fucking huge one day!! Just wait and see!!! " and your body is covered with a bunch of tattoos of dragons and skulls. Only difference is that instead of McDonalds you eat sushi. So what's pathetic about all this? Basically everything. You are someone who not only doesn't have it together, but you're stuck in a bubble where the umbrella of your parents keeps taking the tab for your shortcomings in life, specially your fucking laziness. What's even more pathetic is that most of the people who are in this situation have a perfectly built explanation of why they are living this lifestyle, so in your head you actually believe it's normal. Once your bubble bursts my friend, you will be heading straight into a fucking shit storm. Your best bet is to contact your local church for food and shelter unless you want to be fucking homeless. Good luck buddy, hard times ahead.

- You are a very attractive upper class girl who is spoiled to the fullest extent. Your wealthy family makes sure you are provided with everything you desire and cater to your every need. This ain't pathetic at all. What is pathetic will be the lifestyle you will have once your rich daddy gets thrown in jail for defrauding the company he was the CEO for, or once he gets exposed for defrauding hundreds of people with his ponzi scheme, or even so, it could be that your daddy has millions invested in real state and then the market value for the properties drops dramatically and he has to declare bankruptcy and he won't be able to afford the 3 maids that cook, clean and do your homework. Your daddy also may be in the insurance field and he won't be able to give you that white bentley for your sweet sixteen gift because the government doesn't allow him now to get those millions in bonuses since the taxpayers had to bail his corrupt ass company afloat with bailout money. Even so, situations like these don’t necessarily happen due to an unfortunate event where the family you happen to have a DNA connection with has had a tumble with their millions, it could just be that daddy has decided to cut you off the loop since now he has to worry about the baby twins that were born a couple of weeks a go to an ukrainian model he married 3 months a go. That, and your other 10 siblings, all from different mothers at one point will not enjoy the juice your dad is providing since technically he doesn't have to do so after you are 18. What will become of you when you cannot afford your Prada shoes or your 10 thousand dollar a month spa membership? Can you really handle the embarrassment of not being able to afford a night of drinks in Dubai? Or the ultimate shame, having to do your own laundry? Oh God!!! Anything but that!!! It's pathetic to realize you've been living in a world where the 80% rest of us don't belong, and the golden parachute you had now it's missing. It's a reality check which won't sink in until your credit card has been rejected for the 100th time. Welcome to the real fucking world sweetie. Your pathetic life has just begun.

- You are hooked to an illegal drug and you cannot think of anything else besides buying it and consuming it. It's a sad situation, but you are not who's pathetic here. The person who is pathetic is your drug dealer by not being able to stop selling you that shit. Why? well basically what he is telling you is that your life to him means nothing but money. He is slowly killing your ass and you are allowing him to do it and make a profit on the side also. This motherfucker has no remorse when it comes to destroying lives, physically and socially. The money this asshole is making from you, is nothing compared to the bill your parents ( hopefully can afford ) will have to pay to get your ass out of the addiction you are in. The drug dealer on the other hand is some guy who decided that he wanted life the easy way. Basically he thought that going to college and learning some legal ways to do money wasn't for him. He will sit home, or stand on the sidewalk of that corner store to wait for your ass to send him a text message or give him a call so he can dish out the dose which will make you happy for a week or so. That's all he does. In the meantime, you are probably busting your ass at a cubicle 8 hours a day, either taking shit from spoiled ass fucking costumers who had their credit cards rejected ( like in the last pathetic situation ), or teaching people how to copy files from a hard drive to the other, or selling some bullshit that you know God damn well no one needs, or selling subscriptions to some fucking bullshit no one wants to sign up for, or even worse, asking for motherfucking donations which you know perfectly will not go to the people you preach about with such enthusiasm. Believe it or not, those are best case scenarios. You might have an even shittier job, like at a fast food franchise or being a stripper. What about the people that have to clean shit for a living? All of you work for that money very hard, so in the end you can give it to such an asshole of a person who is just collecting it to give you a dose of death. You know how most people use the phrase "he is hooking me up with some" ? , He ain't hooking you up with shit!!! , he is killing you!!!. That asshole is making a profit out of someone who needs help instead of more drugs. If you happen to be addicted to a drug and you are reading this, do me a favor: I ain't asking you to stop, ( even though it would be a good idea ), but next time you see your drug dealer, look at him in the eyes and while he is giving you that dose you desperately want, tell him "You know what? you are pathetic". See where that takes you. Hopefully it will make him stop selling you shit, or maybe he will shoot your ass. Who knows. Good times.

There aren’t enough Michael Jackson death conspiracies yet!!!!

Wed, 8 Jul 2009 09:23:11 -0400

So Michael has been dead for two weeks.
The iconic status to a dead superstar always has an attachment with it, the obligatory conspiracy theory. Why?, personally I think it's cool to speculate. When you start a conversation about a dead icon, there will always be that after-conversation about someone benefiting from this person's death somehow. Either political, economical or cultural reasons come at play when we think of why, when, how and who was part of the sham which resulted in a dead superstar and the enigma of what happened.

I'm surprised how poor job the conspiracy theorists have been doing with Michael's death. That's why i have taken the liberty to come up with some decent conspiracy proposals so these theorists can get started at least with one. Take a pick and get to work. First i'll throw in the obvious ones, then we'll pick it up a notch.

- He is alive: did it to spike album sales

- His siblings arranged everything. They get now to keep the kids and Michael's money and royalties. ( Beatles 1.5 billion dollar catalog included )

- One of the parents in the molestation settlement cases felt unhappy with the fact that Jackson never went to jail. Planned everything.

- The guy who killed Ana Nicole & her son (who is still on the lose BTW) became obsessed with killing someone even more famous than Ana, and picked Jackson as his next target. Did it the same way. When he succeeds disposing of celebrity #3, he will be known as the "celebrity serial killer" and will be offered a reality series in VH1.

- Suicide: Jackson was tired of this world and knew the only way to go to the real neverland and meet peter pan was dying

- Iranian leaders paid someone to overdose Jackson since he knew key info about how the Iranian elections were rigged. Plus, the media would get off their ass and cover something else besides the exposure of the dictatorship that country is really ruled by.

- Jackson apparently sent his bank account info to an internet scammer in Nigeria, who once aware that Jackson was his victim decided to clean him out and then send someone to dispose of him. This is the reason why he was so broke during his last years. Jackson felt very embarrassed by this and never told anyone he was an internet scam victim.

- Aliens abducted him. Left an overdosed clone of Jackson as a hoax.

- The government knew all along that Jackson had key info about JFK's assassination which he was preparing to release to the world as a final speech in each one of his upcoming performances in London.

- Elvis killed him

- George w bush gave Jackson a memo with the truth behind 911 by mistake during an email forwarding session to send invites to a special Halloween dinner on 2008. He realized he fucked up two weeks a go. The rest is history. Michael never showed up for the dinner BTW, His seat was occupied by Borat.

- Jackson had just written the best song in history and was so overwhelmed by its beauty that he went into cardiac arrest.

- he had undergone a new plastic surgery to make his nose smaller and thinner, his lips even thinner and an even newer implant in his chin. 5 minutes later he realized he wanted to undo the whole process and couldn't handle it.

- Once while performing in a corporate private event, Jackson had accidentally received an envelope with the location of the body of Jimmy Hoffa from an unidentified individual. When Jackson discovered the importance of this information he decided to put it all into a song in code form. It is said he disclosed all this information in his last album, invincible. When the mafia caught up with the events, they made sure the album was not to have a proper marketing strategy, so it sold poorly. Later on they realized he was preparing a second album with the info, they silenced him.

- A German TV station had a reality show where one of the contestants was dared to kill Michael and set it up as an accident. The channel thought he would never get far enough into the ridiculous Assignment. Once they realized he succeeded, production of the show was canceled. Crew and studio attendees were forced to sign secrecy agreements. The producer of the show's whereabouts are unknown and the show was never aired. Sponsors have sued the TV station for the abrupt breach of contract and the TV station in response is giving them unlimited advertising time in the next reality series in which they'll give one of the contestants an assignment involving Madonna which " will make headlines ".

R.I.P. Michael.

Your popcorn is overpriced, and you are a bunch of assholes.

Wed, 3 Jun 2009 23:47:55 -0400

I have a 9 to 5 just like 75% of this country and when the weekend comes I do the same shit you do. I go to the movie theater to see the latest shitbomb Hollywood has had the nerve to charge us for. I think we should get paid to see such crap movies to be honest.

I don't know about you, but I think the movie theater experience is a fucking pain in the ass right from the start.

It all begins for me when I'm walking down the street and I'm bombarded by the heavy marketing that these shit films put all over the city. The complete side of a building usually is covered by the banner of whatever film is coming out next weekend. While driving, same shit. You can barely see the sign that tells you where you have to make that right, so you can avoid a u-turn and lose about 20 minutes of your afternoon, but you can clearly see a billboard for some piece of shit movie you know it's going to suck. Usually anything with Vin Diesel, Mathew McConaughey or Eddie Murphy awakens a feeling of disgust and nausea from imagining myself inside a theater sitting through the pain of having to watch any fucking film with the talented genius that these artists are kind enough to grace us with. ( sar fucking casm bitches ).
( Eddie Murphy fanboys: Coming to America was 20 years a go, this guy hasn't been able to do anything remotely close as entertaining since then. It's time for Buckweed to throw in the towel. )

Once in a blue moon however, I initiate a legitimate desire to watch a film. I only watch movies that are worth going to the theater for, which most happen to come during the summer. Almost everything else that gets released during the rest of the year is entirely made of shit. Those "non-summer" movies during the 80's and 90's used to be released straight to video, straight to cable, or even straight to network TV. Now these assholes have the nerve to put this shit on the movie theaters, and the "straight-to-video" crowd get even shittier movies if you can believe.

The day comes and I arrive at the movie theater to find out that every single time I watch a film, they are charging a dollar more for a ticket. It's worse than gasoline 'cause gas goes down from time to time. But movie theaters never , EVER, lower the price of their tickets. ( There's some theaters that do a "half price tuesday" kinda shit. That doesn't count 'cause it's only temporary and it's only one day a week... usually when every fucking body is working )

Obstacle number one is to come to the ticket register window and talk to "Shamika" with her 3 inch fake pink nails and her condescending attitude.
While mentioning to her which movie I want to watch through the little
circular area full of holes inside the inch and a half thick glass, she just stares at me for 5 seconds straight chewing her fucking gum. I didn't understand why she kept staring so I had to ask "Is there a problem?", then she says "what time?". I would assume that since I'm here now, I'm insinuating to her that I want to see the next showing, but Shamika is a little too smart for me and in her brain the possibility of me buying a ticket now and coming back to watch it later was very real. I think it was also a little disrespectful to assume that I could be technologically illiterate since if my scenario per se was to actually buy a later showing, I could've done that online, with a computer. Shamika's 5 seconds of silence makes me assume that not only she thinks that I don't own a computer but that I wouldn't know how to perform such an operation. As you could read, the title of this article refers to a "bunch of assholes", well....

Asshole #1 is Shamika.
Reason: Assuming people don't have enough money to buy a computer and wouldn't know how to use one.

I'm not racist by any means, and I don't want to profile anyone at all, but by her haircut, her demeanor and the way
she talked to me, I would take a good guess she comes from one of the poorest parts of the city. Maybe that's the reason why she thinks no one has money to buy a computer, 'cause in her "hood" no one has money to buy one to begin with, let alone know how to buy a movie ticket online. So I can conclude that in Shamika's world no one has a computer. This makes Shamika a bigger asshole for being so ignorant into thinking everyone lives in her world, and please someone tell these bitches to take those 3 inch nails off, no they don't look good and they make you look like a fucking fool.
Fuck you Shamika!!!@@@!!@@@!!!!
And your nails too, you bitch!!@@@!!!!

So I pay my 12 dollars and I walk into the theater. The spilled-soda-sticky carpet and the random multicolored dusty ass neon lights welcome me into the theater right along with the senior citizen that took somewhere between 2 to 3 minutes just to rip my ticket and tell me where to go (since he "forgot" and had to ask the concession stand girl where the fuck my movie was playing 'cause the tickets had the screen numbers all wrong). While I was waiting for him to solve his shit I couldn't hear his rambling about who-the-fuck-knows since I was almost deaf by the noise that the arcade machines next to the entrance were making. Who controls the volume in these fucking machines? Lower the fucking thing down you bastards!!! By the way, who the fuck still plays "cruisin' USA"? isn't that shit more than 10 years old? Believe it or not some asshole kids put a couple of quarters inside the shit, and it did nothing. They pounded the coin box at the side of the arcade to make the shit work and right above it a little sign said "theater not responsible for machine malfunction - no refunds". The movie theater doesn't miss an opportunity to scam you out of every fucking dollar you have, in this case.. even your change.

The senior was reluctant into letting me enter the theater without letting me know where the fuck I was going. What kind of theater has these problems? seriously? Plus there's only 8 screens in this fucking theater, I'm sure I could've figured it out.

Easily, I could label this ticket ripping senior citizen as "Asshole #2", for not knowing how to do his fucking job right. The easiest fucking job in the world and he does a piss poor job at it, but the fact that he is old and working in such a shitty job sort of equals it out. He is already getting punished in a way for doing his job wrong, by having the actual job. Ironic.

What's funny, is that the senior is not the asshole here, the asshole is the concession stand girl. That fucking bitch along with some of her "co-workers", were making fun of the senile senior citizen while he was trying to figure out where to tell me to go. This tiny chubby slut was pointing out to the other idiots who worked with her serving their shitty so-called "snacks", how funny the senior was pronouncing his words, and to " OMG!!! Look at him!!!@@!!". Fucking bitch.

I am standing at 3/4 of the entrance of the theater waiting for her ass to be done making fun of this senile prick so she can inform him about the theater arrangement and I can enter to get going with my afternoon, which was going pretty fucking shitty already. By the way, she's doing all this while holding firmly onto a mop, which I'm sure she was getting prepared to take care of a pile of shit/piss and scrambled toilet paper pieces all over the fucking woman's bathroom. Someone should've alerted this bitch that once she was done having her fun, reality was going to sink in and she was gonna get the fuck back to clean shit for a living.

Asshole #2 Tiny chubby slut at the concession stand holding onto a mop.
Reason: Assuming it's ok to fuck over moviegoers from their valuable time
so she can use it to make fun of her co-workers, in this case a senile senior
citizen.

Not only she fucked me over by keeping me from being allowed in by this old prick, but she fucked over all the customers at the register by distracting her co-workers and not allowing them to do their fucking job right, which is to serve that shitty fucking "snack" food to the people that dare to eat it. I'm sure her good times got cut short when her pimpled faced 19 year old "boss" told her to get the fuck back into that bathroom and clean that pile of shit which was put there by a 250 pound lardass with genital warts.
Fuck you, you tiny chubby slut!!!@@!!! and that shit ain't gonna clean itself either, so get the fuck mopping already!!@@!!!!!!

I finally make it into the "lobby waiting area". A line of about 20 flat screens all playing the same exact thing in unison ( they always get the aspect ratio of the video content wrong by the way. Who encodes that shit? Movie theaters: Your marketing team is fucking you in the ass by giving you poorly encoded content which makes you look unprofessional and makes your previews look like a fucking head sandwich). Now I make a fucking line with a bunch of obnoxious teenagers, soccer moms and arrogant assholes who think they have the right to speak louder than anyone 10 steps away from them 'cause they are sporting a tattoo of a dragon on their shoulder and a trucker Ed Hardy hat cooked slightly to the left. Someone tell this asshole to stop pretending he is italian by the way, 'cause every single time he finishes his sentences he is saying "forgetaboutit". In reality, that guy I'm talking about could indeed be italian, but let's break those chances down to odds and that's where I assume he ain't, 'cause most of these fake-tanned assholes pretend they are 'cause "it sounds just like the sopranos".

Now, like shooting fish in a barrel, like taking a piece of candy from a little kid, like a bankrupt insurance company applying for a government bailout, like a church asking it's followers for a percentage of their monthly earnings, like a cult asking it's members to drink the kool aid...... just that easy... I could right now assign the label of "Assholes # 3 , 4 and 5" to all these fake-italian tatooed motherfuckers.. , but they don't qualify, 'cause they don't work at the theater. They are assholes alright, but I won't consider them a staple of the movie theater experience since sometimes they happen to not be at the actual theater.

As I'm now in the middle of this fucking circus, I'm thinking about my next move. Should I buy popcorn now or later after I have already sat down in the theater? It's a dilemma 'cause if you buy the food at this point, you will have to hold it while you're waiting to enter the theater and most likely you will eat it before you even sit down. I'm sure I won't eat it all while I'm waiting, but it's fresh. The popcorn is hot and the soda is cold. 10 minutes from this point they ain't gonna taste the same and they won't be as appealing to my standards.

My movie is supposed to start at 8:10pm, it's 8:05 and we are all still waiting in the lobby. I only see this heavy set woman at the beginning of the line telling people the theater is not ready while holding an walkie-talkie and asking whoever is on the other end of that piece of shit: " Yo!!!@@@!!!!! I ain't playing!!@@!!!! you done cleaning???" , and the overpaid employee at the other end responds to her "Yo!!@@!!! Stop rushing me yo!!!@@!!!!". These assholes get paid the minimum for sure. Here in NY last I've heard, minimum wage is around $7.50 an hour or some shit close to that. These people don't even deserve that shit. Anyone who cannot clean a 600 seat movie theater in less than 30 minutes deserves to be fucking fired in my judgment. Those idiots should thank God or whoever the fuck they believe the "Lord" to be, that I ain't their fucking boss, 'cause I would've been yelling the shit out of them. For a second let's pretend I was their boss:

--I walk into the movie theater being cleaned--

"Excuse me, what is your name?"

----Ronald----

"Yeah , Ronald. Would you mind telling me what job you were hired to perform?"

----Uuummmm....clean the theaters?----

"Ok... , how much time do we give you to clean one theater"

------30 minutes-------

"Great. In your judgement, do you think we should give you more time or less to clean the theater, because for example, right now we have a crowd out there waiting to get in, there's 5 minutes left for this film to start and you're still here cleaning.... "

------.......I don't know---------

"Well, what do you know?"

------( confused face )--------

"I'll tell you what you know. What you know is how to fuck me out of my patience to deal with little useless motherfuckers like you. I told your ass to clean this theater half hour a go and you're here with your cellphone in hand, texting motherfuckers I presume, fucking the entire business out of the $7.50 we have to pay you for doing this shit!!!. How hard it to do this shit? Seriously!!! How fucking hard is to take an empty cup of soda and throwing it inside this huge ass trash bin? How hard is to sweep these popcorn pieces off the fucking floor? This job is the easiest fucking job anyone could have in this fucking planet and you are doing it so poorly that I wonder how in fuck you expect to make a living doing anything else later on in life. Listen to me you shit. If this film starts and you're not done cleaning this fucking theater I will come in here myself and I will tear you a new asshole, you understand me? Now....give me your god damn cellphone"

-----Why?------

"Just give it to me!!!!!"

----( hands me the cellphone )-----

"...... ( I throw the shit on the floor and break it )....... I hope you made your last fucking call, 'cause in my watch, if I ever see you with another cellphone EVER FUCKING AGAIN, I will make sure that the contents of your locker get thrown in the garbage and you never get inside this building for the rest of your fucking life, do you understand me?"

-----speechless-----

"...and you better have this shit cleaned thoroughly too, because yesterday a customer came to my office asking for a refund of a movie ticket 'cause your ass forgot to clean nacho cheese of a fucking seat and this bitch sat on the fucking thing and we had to not only give her a refund but we had to pay her for the dress YOUR FUCKING ASS RUINED. I'm telling you, I about had it with your piss-poor performance and your inability to keep your timelines. You better have this shit done when I come back, 'cause if you haven't, better call your dentist 'cause i'm gonna knock 'em fucking teeth out....."

----Wait a second!! You cannot talk to me like that!!!----

"....oh really? what exactly are you gonna do about it? Who are you going to report me to buddy? If you even fucking dare to try to do any of that shit, I will make sure your ass won't be able to walk again !!!!! You got me pal? So start moving those fucking feet and get the fuck on cleaning 'cause I will make your undeserving fucking ass earn that fucking minimum wage!!@@!!!!"

Asshole # 3 is Ronald, the theater cleaner.
Reason: Poor performance at his job, while at the same time making sure no one gets in the theater until he is finished texting "Yo son, we gettin' blazed at my crib 2nite!!!".

I know what you're thinking, you get what you pay for. However, I don't think minimum wage is an excuse to do your job in the shittiest way possible. A job is a fucking job. You knew what you were getting yourself into when you applied to a ground level job like this, so don't fuck with us and clean those fucking seats. Now, Ronald might actually answer to these accusations by saying" If I was getting paid more I would do a better job" , really?, how much do you want to get paid to do your job the way you're supposed to? Hmmm, how about $10 an hour? sounds good? why stop there? how about $20 ? I know you would love to get paid 20 bucks and hour for cleaning a theatre. But you know what? you ain't never gonna get paid 20 fucking bucks an hour to do such a simple fucking job as this one, 'cause that's what it is. A simple fucking job which requires no mental capacity and no degree either. You, sir, are doing a bottom of the barrel occupation and if you want to make more money, then get the fuck into a college where they can teach you how to do a job that we feel deserves a better pay for you. As of the moment the shitty job you are poorly performing will still get you minimum fucking wage.
----Fuck you Ronald the theater cleaner!!!!!, fuck your cellphone and fuck your unused cleaning supplies. Good luck in the future finding a job where you can possibly do any better, you fuck!!!!

Finally these idiots allow us into the theatre and now after I get my seat inside the theatre and I tell my girl to make sure no one sits in my spot, I proceed to the concession stand to find the poorest kind of options anyone could wish for as a snack. These pricks have the nerve to ask me to pay $6 for a soda. I'm not kidding. WTF? 6 dollars? I can get close to 8 liters of soda with 6 bucks at a supermarket, and these assholes have the nerve to ask me to give them that amount of money for one fucking cup!!!!! Let alone the fact these motherfuckers stuff that shit 95% with ice, so there is only space for 5% of soda. To make it even worse, the soda they supply is not even real soda. What they are giving us is fountain soda which tastes so fucking flat that you feel the tingle in your ass when you drink it.... from getting fucked in the ass of 6 bucks you just got scammed off. WTF is up with the popcorn also? $6 fucking bucks for a popcorn bucket. This shit isn't a purchase anymore, this is fucking theft, no joke. I can get 10 buckets for that amount at 7-11 in microwave popcorn envelopes. By the way, why do you think they insist in putting that greasy "butter" liquid on top of your shit? to hide the fact that the overpriced piece of shit stale popcorn they are selling you, are leftovers from last night. These assholes store the leftovers and bag 'em, then next day at random moments they mix that shit with the one they just popped and we are paying for this fraud. Movie theaters have an enormous set of balls to parade this system right in front of our eyes and we don't speak up about it. Next time you go to a movie theater I want you to speak up and demand your shit fresh. I demand my fucking popcorn popped right at the moment when I buy it and I will accept no different. Everytime I get to the register of those dirty ass concession stands I tell 'em to give me the popcorn that is coming out of the machine instead of them digging inside the bottom of that dirty ass fucking bin where they store the mix of shit they try to pass as a product.

Has anyone taken a good look at the candy these people sell? I swear to god, this shit is old as fuck. You know how you can tell in one easy step how old this candy is? Take a look at the boxes which sometimes have little promotions for the release of a film. Usually the ones featured are superhero films or animated features. I glanced at what they had in this theatre and they had some milk duds with a promotion for Batman, the dark knight. Ok, that shit was last year, so this fucking candy has been in that tiny box for over a year, excellent. Someone will develop diarrhea from eating that moldy shit. I looked to the side, they had some candy with pixar's Ratatouille. WTF? that's 2007!!!!!! Who the fuck is Ok'ing this shit to get sold? Who is in charge of food quality at this fucking place?

So candy might not be the best choice judging by how "fresh" it is. So I finally decide to get some ice cream ( if you can call it that ). We are talking about that ice cream which is in the form of nuggets. Little pieces of chocolate dipped vanilla ice cream. They come in a tiny bucket. I get that shit and I also get a soda and a popcorn because I got no choice, my girl will give me shit if I don't go back with popcorn and soda. I've told her before about how stale it is and how bad the soda tastes, let alone the price. She doesn't give a fuck. Great. Women always amaze me with their shit choices which defy logic and common sense. So I go back to my seat in the theatre and as I open that tiny bucket of chocolate dipped vanilla ice cream nuggets.. they are completely melted.
I spent $4.50 on melted ice cream. Fuck them.
I go back to the concession stand and I tell the guy working there that my ice cream was melted and this guy was actually a nice guy. He gave me options of what I could get, however I realized every single fucking thing this place offers is of such poor quality that I exchanged my purchase for a bottle of water. Same price, $4.50. Assholes.

Asshole #4 is the theatre manager in charge of food quality.
Reason: Allowing the concession stand to sell candy way over it's expiration date, selling melted ice cream, selling flat soda, selling stale popcorn and charging astronomical prices for all this shitty food.

You must wonder if this guy does even something remotely close to a quality
inspection for the food they sell. I can assign a 5 year old kid to taste this disgusting theater snacks and he will tell me right away it probably tastes like his own shit. Biggest problem is that I don't see anyone complaining about it, no one is protesting about how poor the quality of this food is. People just assume this is normal and ignore it. God forbid your food is cold in a real restaurant 'cause you will let that college student waitress know how pissed off you are that your shit ain't the way you want it, but when you get stale popcorn and moldy candy at the movie theater you feel almost like these people are the secret service and you won't speak up 'cause they will put you away in Guantamo Bay. Right? By the way, no wonder this guy is the manager at a movie theatre. Imagine this asshole at a real restaurant.... . I wouldn't be surprised if this asshole wound up working as the manager of a fast food joint the summer after that, they pretty much run the same operation.
---Fuck you theatre manager in charge of food quality!!!!! Fuck your shitty food, fuck your flat tasting beverages and fuck your overpriced piece of shit snacks!!!!!! Most of all, fuck your concession stand!!!!! You motherfuckers don't sell anything worth buying!!!!!!

I am sitting at the theatre and the movie starts. Right away I notice that the movie is not positioned correctly on the screen. I can see on the curtains next to the screen half the face of another person who is in the movie. Whoever is working that projector up there either is too fucking stupid to know how to work it or just doesn't give a fuck about our "experience" while watching the film. Either way, this guy obviously isn't giving a shit since 10 minutes had already passed and no sign of a fix was on sight. The audio was so fucking loud that I had to cover my ears in action sequences. When a glass breaks in the film, my ears feel like they are needles being inserted in them. Once again, the projectionist didn't do his job correctly by setting the volume levels at a "human" setting. Then out of the fucking blue, half the theater speakers stop working and now we go from too loud to barely hearing what the people in the film are saying. What a mess. ( Tech nerds out there will point out that this "phenomenon" of "too loud then too low" is a product of a defect in the surround sound feed from the film. However, this isn't my fucking problem and if they don't have a decent copy of this film then they could've let me know about this bullshit before I came in the theatre and I couldve taken my business elsewhere ). 30 minutes into the film, the projectionist finally fixes the position of the screen, but the sound stayed the same changing abruptly from too low to super loud at random moments of the film. I don't know about you, but when this shit happens, I feel ripped off. It's just like when you rent a dvd from blockbuster and the shit is scratched. You feel like a fucking idiot sitting down there on your couch feeling like the biggest loser in the world knowing that you have to run to the store and pick up a better copy or just exchange it for another one. In this case in the movie theatre, there is nothing you can do 'cause the asshole who is in control is probably fucking one of the concession stand girls inside his projection room, rather than give a fuck about the one and only thing he is supposed to do, which is .... take 2 minutes
to set the video and audio the correct way...

Asshole #5 is the theatre projectionist.
Reason: Not giving a shit about the quality of the audio and video until half way
through the film.

Let's be honest. We only need your services for about 2 minutes every hour and a half. Can you at least do that for us? Can you please help us feel like we are paying the theatre for a service rather than a gang bang right in our ass? Can you please make sure I don't need an ear doctor once i'm done with your volume level 11 film? Can you please don't overcrop the film by leaving 15 inches of the image outside the screen? Can you please make sure the surround sound doesn't fail halfway through the film either? Can you make sure you're inside that fucking room everytime a movie starts so we don't have the need to strangle your ass? Can you be less of a lazy fucking ass and remember to do all these things instead of being elsewhere? Can you be less of an asshole and remember that every single fucking head in the theatre paid $12 to watch your incompetent settings as you carelessly let us know how much you actually give a shit about your job? You might not give a shit about your job, but I gave my fucking hard earned money to watch this piece of shit, so get the fuck back in that room and fix that fucking shit!!!!!!!
-----Fuck you projectionist!!!!!! You are such an asshole that I cannot even begin to comprehend what else in the world you could be doing while I am stuck in a theater watching a film which you have FUCKED and I CANNOT FIX MYSELF, you fucking asshole!!!!!! If I knew what you looked like when I was on the lobby
I would've beaten your fucking ass to a pulp, you shit!!!!!

So as you can notice, my day has been butchered left and right. The theater staff has managed to ruin every single possible detail they neglected to fix and now I am sitting down out of frustration of feeling ass raped by the movie theatre system of mediocrity and laziness. 'cause let's look at the hard fucking facts here, almost every single thing these people have come short on is a product of their fucking lazy ass not wanting to do things which require hard work.

As the movie is ending, I really could give a shit anymore what happens in the story since your fucking ass has been talking, texting , making calls and commenting on the film as if you were in your own house watching TV. Turn that fucking cellphone off and let me watch this fucking film!!!!! If everyone else is being quiet... i'm sure you can do the same!!!!!!! Can you please not go to the bathroom every fucking 5 minutes and have to walk right on front of me making me lose my comfortable position and having to guard my shitty snacks from your feet knocking them over? Can you be please considerate to others and not bring your fucking 3 month old baby to a movie like SAW 5? ( use a condom next time you promiscuous bitch ). Can you please shower and not stink the theatre up with your smelly fucking dirty rotten ass? ( use deodorants you motherfuckers ). Can you not tell me the complete movie that I'm about to watch? ( I could give a shit if you've seen it before, the reason why I'm here is so I can see it genius. So keep that hole shut, you ass!!!!! ) Can you please not put your fucking feet on top of my reclining back ? ( I don't need your dirty fucking sneakers next to my face asshole ).

If you come to the theatre and willingly wish to share space with other people in the theatre, where most likely I will be sitting, can you make sure that you understand that we go to the theatre to watch a film. Not to tell your ass to be fucking quiet.

Asshole #6 YOU!!!!!!!
Reason: Not allowing other moviegoers to enjoy the film, due to the noise you make when you talk, when you make cellphone calls, when you text, and all together when you are just being the biggest asshole of the entire theatre.

I gave up long time ago trying to watch films in NYC.
There's always a fucking problem. I now go as far as I can
from the city to watch a film. I go to long Island. Far away from assholes like you that are looking for any opportunity to interrupt my movie with your bullshit noise and nonsense comments.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING INTERRUPTING ANNOYING LOUD ASS!!@@@!!!!!!!

When I get out of the theater, I feel relieved that my frustration has been put to an end.......

That's until I have to watch the next piece of shit film my friends force me to watch with them.